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Fleur Blüm

~ writer, performer, musician

Fleur Blüm

Tag Archives: Relationships

Watching Movies: Weekend Overkill

07 Monday Apr 2014

Posted by toearlyretirement in Watching Movies, Writing

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Adventure, Alfred Hitchcock, Astor Theatre, Carlton, Cinema Nova, Constanze Knoche, Die Besucher, Festival of German Films, Grace Kelly, Hayao Miyazaki, James Stewart, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Kim Novak, Lies Bagdach, Melbourne, Movie review, Palace Como, Rear Window, Relationships, South Yarra, St Kilda, The Wind Rises, Uwe Kockisch, Vertigo, Visitors

I haven’t done a Watching Movies post for a while, somehow life got in the way of taking myself to the cinema, but I thought I’d make up for it by seeing four films over two days. This post, therefore, will be short reviews of each of the four films, in the order that I saw them.

The Wind Rises (2013)

The first of this weekend’s celluloid dreams was Studio Ghibli’s latest offering ‘The Wind Rises’ at the Cinema Nova in Carlton. From director Hayao Miyazaki, whose other films include ‘Ponyo’, ‘Spirited Away’, and ‘My Neighbour Totoro’, ‘The Wind Rises’ is an animated feature which focuses on pre-WWII Japan. The film’s hero, Jiro Horikoshi is an aeronautical engineer who designs planes which will eventually be used by the Japanese as fighters, the Zero. Jiro and many of the other characters are historical figures, however my Japanese history is pretty sketchy so I just have to trust that the film is accurate-ish.

Miyazaki’s films often involve quite surreal sequences; high fantasy and exaggerated characters which work well in an animated film. While ‘The Wind Rises’ has a couple of dream sequences in which conventional reality takes a back seat, I was surprised by how much of the film was done as realism.

I chose to watch the English dubbed version, over the Japanese language version with subtitles for two reasons; firstly, dubbing jars much less in animated films because they don’t really talk anyway, and secondly, while there will be translation anomolies either way, one can get more words in a dubbed version than in a subtitled version and hopefully that results in a more faithful translation. That being said I’m also not a big fan of having to read the subtitles. The English voice cast was full of people who I recognised, which was also fun; Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Emily Blunt, Mandy Patinkin, John Krasinski, and Martin Short.

In terms of the plot, this film was a poignant exploration of the life of Jiro leading up to WWII (which is actually not mentioned in the film, but is implied). It was a very interesting portrait of the time period; Japan was quite poor, they were occupying Korea (also not mentioned in the film), it was an interesting time of cross over between traditional Japanese lifestyles and Western influences from clothing to aeronautical designs. Given the film’s time frame, I should have been ready for it to be a sad story, but having seen a couple of Miyazaki’s other films I was expecting it to be a light children’s story. It might be rated PG but I think this is a film made for adults. My friend said he managed to only cry a little bit, and I was very close to tears as well.

Beautifully drawn, in particular the backgrounds are spectacular, and beautifully written; there is surprisingly little dialogue, and it’s all important, this is a moving film well worth a watch. I give it 4 out of 5 stars.

Rear Window (1954)

The first Saturday night’s double feature at the Astor in St Kilda was ‘Rear Window’. A classic thriller from Alfred Hitchcock, this is the story of the L. B. Jeffries (Jeff), who is stuck in his apartment, in a wheelchair, with a broken leg for what feels like an eternity over a sweltering Manhattan summer. Pre-television, Jeff’s boredom leads him to spend his days watching his neighbours; his apartment faces the back, the rear windows, of several other apartment buildings. In one of these buildings, he sees some suspicious activity and we follow his story as he tries to convince his friends and the police that he’s not just a paranoid curtain twitcher.

To make this film, Hitchcock built all of the apartments on a sound stage. Each apartments has actors playing the inhabitants and they were all given activities to perform. The whole thing seems to have been run more like a play than a film; in particular some of the opening shots are of the camera, set in Jeff’s apartment, panning over each of the apartments giving us a glimpse into the life of the people living there.

Based on a short story, ‘It had to be murder’ by Cornell Woolrich, ‘Rear Window’ has been spoofed and references many, many times. I went into the film without knowing the ending, but assuming it would be similar to ‘The Simpson’s’ version; which it was and wasn’t at the same time.

Despite having been made 60 years ago, the film was suspenseful, and believable. Some of the cinematography dated it a little, particularly the heavy use of soft focus for Grace Kelly, and some of the attitudes and pass-times of the characters placed it at the time, but generally speaking it could easily have been made recently. I did notice the age difference between Stewart, 46, and Kelly, 25, but unfortunately that hasn’t really changed all that much.

All in all, I can certainly see why this film has had such a profound impact on popular culture and is considered a classic. I give it 4.5 out of 5 stars.

Rear Window poster

Rear Window poster

Vertigo (1958)

The second of the Astor’s double feature was ‘Vertigo’ – another Hitchcock film starting James Stewart. This psychological thriller makes ‘Rear Window’ seem like a comedy – it is much darker, and without giving away spoilers, the ending is horribly unsatisfactory. In this film, James Stewart plays a retired police detective who suffers from acrophobia, fear of heights, and gets vertigo, dizziness, whenever he’s somewhere high.

The opening titles of ‘Vertigo’ are a distinctive sequence of receding and advancing spirals. It’s a visual that stays with you and has a certain similarities to a Bond film opening (although with the first Bond film in 1962, ‘Vertigo’ was probably an influence on Bond, rather than the other way around).

Based on a novel, ‘D’entre les morts’, a French crime story by Pierre Boileau, Stewart’s character ‘Scottie’, John Ferguson, is hired to investigate the strange behaviour of the wife of an old college buddy. As the investigation progresses, Scottie falls in love with the woman, played by Kim Novak, and that’s about all I can tell you without spoilers.

Again there are a few interesting gender issues in this film; specifically Kim Novak is also 25 in this film, but Stewart is now 50. Additionally Scottie’s friend Midge is an interesting portrait – a woman who is in love with him, but she seems to be too ambitious, or capable, or career driven, or not pretty enough for Scottie to notice. She’s also supposed to be a college buddy, but actor Barbara Bel Gedes is only 36 and doesn’t quite pull off the concept of being the same age.

The film’s ending is unexpected and not a little distressing. I would be extremely surprised if an ending like that made it past a test screening nowadays! It speaks to Hitchcock’s influence in the industry and to the changing expectations and tolerances of the movie-going public.

Despite the unusual ending and consistently dark tone, this is another classic well worth watching. I’m giving this one 4 out of 5 stars (I dropped it from 4.5 for being a bit long and having an annoying ending).

Die Besucher (Visitors, 2012)

The final film in this epic weekend was ‘Die Besucher’, a German film, which I saw as part of the Goethe Institut Festival of German Films at the Palace Como in South Yarra. The film follows a family as the patriarch, Jakob, tries to break some news that will have an impact on all their lives. The three adult children, Karla, Arnolt, and Sonja, live in Berlin away from the family home in rural Germany. The younger two of the three are still heavily financially dependent on their parents.

This is a character driven film, much more than a plot driven one. The film quietly explores the unspoken conflicts between the six members of this family. Directed by Constanze Knoche, and co-written with Lies Bagdach, this film was made with a very modest budget. They spent several years working on the screenplay and getting the funds together to make the film. It would be easy to assume from watching this, that it was a big budget studio production; the acting is first rate, particularly from Uwe Kockisch who is a prolific and well-respected German actor, the screen-play is extremely tight, each moment of dialogue or silence is perfectly crafted to carry forward the character exploration. It has also been made with high production values, that is to say the the cinematography, sound recording and soundtrack, bear none of the dodgey hallmarks one might associated with a low-budget feature.

My biggest complaint about this film is the ambiguity and apparent tidiness of the ending. To me, it felt like the characters forgave too quickly and the reconciliation seemed unrealistic, however my friend disagreed with my interpretation and didn’t think there was a reconciliation. I can see how both interpretations could be correct. I think there was a part of me that identified strongly with a family whose conflict is unspoken, and so perhaps I was more appalled by the ability to forgive and forget than she was.

Overall a lovingly crafted film which left both of us feeling quite unsettled. It’s not an easy film to watch for reason’s I can’t quite put my finger on. Perhaps it’s the result of a built up of tension over the 90 minutes which does not have a satisfactory release. Even so, this film deserves 4 out of 5 stars.

Unfortunately I can’t find a trailer with subtitles, but this should give you a feel for it:

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Watching Movies: Happy Families

21 Tuesday Jan 2014

Posted by toearlyretirement in Watching Movies

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Abigail Breslin, Adventure, August: Osage County, Benedict Cumberbatch, Chris Cooper, Cinema Nova, Dermot Mulroney, Ewan McGregor, Family, George Clooney, John Wells, Julia Roberts, Julianne Nicholson, Juliette Lewis, Margo Martindale, Melbourne, Meryl Streep, Movie review, Psychology, Relationships, Sam Shepard, Tracy Letts

Today’s movie review will be of ‘August: Osage County’, an intense drama about the difficulties of living in the Weston family. Written by Tracy Letts, based on his Pulizter and Tony Award winning play of the same name, this story follows the relationships in the highly dysfunctional family as they try to deal with the death of its patriarch, Beverly.

August: Osage County poster

August: Osage County poster

From the outset this film is confronting. The women in this family, Violet (Meryl Streep), Mattie Fae (Margo Martindale), Barbara (Julia Roberts), Karen (Juliette Lewis), Ivy (Julianne Nicholson) and Jean (Abigail Breslin) are complicated, flawed, and extremely believable. While the film is an excellent ensemble piece, the mother-daughter relationship between Violet and Barbara is the centrepiece. Violet is a mean-spirited, bitter woman who has a tendency to abuse prescription medication, and Barbara, her eldest daughter struggles with a sense of obligation to care for her mother, and a need to escape her destructive influence. Trying to explain the intricacies of the relationships without giving away some of the story is going to be difficult, so I’m not going to try. Suffice to say that the relationships between the family members are complex and filled with betrayals and misery.

The performances by each member of the cast are spectacular. With so many central characters, each with rich back stories filled with hardship, it’s hard to pick one or two who stood out. What makes this more difficult is that each actor’s performance is as reliant on the way they react to the actions of the others as with their own actions, something which is a basic tenet of acting, but which is rarely seen so clearly on the screen.

The men in the film, Beverly (Sam Shepard), Charlie (Chris Cooper), Bill (Ewan McGregor), Steve (Dermot Mulroney) and Little Charles (Benedict Cumberbatch), are shown largely as counterpoints to the Weston women, and each gives a beautiful, nuanced performance. The stand out relationship among the men is between Charlie and his son Little Charles; there is a tenderness there that doesn’t exist in any of the other relationships, and this contrast makes it all the more striking.

Throughout the film the script writing struck me as being incredibly tight. Each scene was carefully crafted to add tension to the film, and while the events in this family are extreme, there was no point at which I found myself disbelieving them. I did find it interesting that in a film that is built upon difficult familial relations, the romance between Ivy and Little Charles (who are first cousins), which remains a secret for the majority of the film, is never overtly shown. The furthest they get is hand holding and making moon eyes when they think no one is looking. I find it intriguing that the producers chose not to show a kiss, it’s likely they were worried it would be too much for the audience, but for me it seemed a bit contrived (or maybe I’m just a perv for kissin’ cousins). Not having seen a stage production, I would be interested to know whether or not they kiss there.

All the family around the dinner table

All the family around the dinner table

Visually, the tone of the film is heavily in the brown spectrum. The house is dark and brown, the rolling Oklahoma fields are yellow and dry; even the costumes are browns, beiges, muted blues, and blacks. Nothing escapes the oppressive pallet except Steve’s bright red sports car. The use of colour is particularly strong in evoking the feel of the house in which most of the film takes place, and in conveying the stifling heat of an Oklahoma summer. At one stage we see a neon sign telling us it’s 108˚ (Fahrenheit, in Celsius that’s 42˚, a temperature which for us Melbournians is still a fresh trauma).

If I were to criticise the film it would be to say that I was disappointed with Benedict Cumberbatch’s American accent. Some of you may understand how difficult that is for me to say given how much of a ridiculous uber-fan of his work I am, but I say it with love, I say it because I know he can do better (case in point his Australian accent as Julian Assange). If I were to justify this less than his best performance I would suggest that given the size of his role, fairly small, and the amount of screen time he has to spend crying, disproportionately large, the fact that his accent is passable, but not brilliant is probably fair enough.

My overall impression of this multiply nominated film (Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress, both well deserved) is that it manages to balance serious, hard truths about life in this family with some black comic moments and the result is a thought provoking yet enjoyable cinematic experience. I was left wondering how they all got on after the end; I wanted to know what happened next, which is always a good sign that you’ve identified with the characters. I think a lot of the patrons at the Cinema Nova where I saw this walked out feeling much better about the interesting family scandals in their own lives. A thought provoking, authentic exploration of family dysfunction; I give this film 4 out of 5 stars.

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New Year’s Resolutions: how did I go?

14 Saturday Dec 2013

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey

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Adventure, Challenge, Inspiration, Melbourne, Motivation, NaNoWriMo, New Years, New Years Resolutions, Nurturing yourself, Poetry, Relationships, Self Esteem, Writing, Writing Group

So, it’s getting to towards the end of the year and I’ve been thinking about what I hoped to achieve at the start of this year and thought I’d go through a bit of a performance assessment of my own ability to achieve my New Years’ Resolutions for 2013.

For those of you who need reminding this is the list of resolutions I posted in January:

  1. Finish the first read over and edits for draft 1 of my NaNoWriMo novel by 18 January.
  2. Write one page synopsis of novel by 18 January.
  3. Take the Intro to Acting course at National Theatre.
  4. Ride my bike to work (except when it’s raining or forecast to be over 35 degrees).
  5. Write a novella length piece for young adults.
  6. Win NaNoWriMo again.
  7. Keep writing!
  8. Take trips to interesting places in Victoria for photo opportunities and adventures.
  9. Continue to attend writing groups, philosophical discussion groups, and look for others.
  10. Make more time to read (the pile of books in my bedroom on my ‘To Read’ list is growing).
  11. Plan my next big holiday.
  12. Make new friends and spend time with old ones.

Let’s go through each one then, and see how well I did.

  • Finish the first read over and edits for draft 1 of my NaNoWriMo novel by 18 January.

This one’s pretty simple to measure, and I did that one! Go me! I’m starting off well!

  • Write one page synopsis of novel by 18 January.

Yep, did that one!

  • Take the Intro to Acting course at National Theatre.

Done! I did the Intro to Acting course, and then I did Acting level one! It was an awesome experience and maybe I’ll go back to acting next year because it was super fun!

  • Ride my bike to work (except when it’s raining or forecast to be over 35 degrees).

This one is a bit harder to say I definitely did it. I do ride my bike to work regularly, but it isn’t every day. Sometimes I just feel a bit shit and don’t do it, but it’s probably less that once a month, so that’s pretty good!

  • Write a novella length piece for young adults.

Ah, yes, well. I haven’t actually started this project. Damn, I was going so well too!

  • Win NaNoWriMo again.

Totally kicked goals with this one! See the blog about that here.

  • Keep writing!

Well, this one is a bit hard to measure too, but I have been regularly going to my groups, and writing quite a lot. I don’t write as much during semester when I have classes but I still do a bit here and there.

  • Take trips to interesting places in Victoria for photo opportunities and adventures.

This one I did really well with for the first half of the year, and then it was winter, and I got lazy and I haven’t done a photo adventure for ages. I really should get back into that!

  • Continue to attend writing groups, philosophical discussion groups, and look for others.

I’m still attending the Boroondara Writers’ Group every month. I went to a photography group for a while but then didn’t really feel at home there, I’ve been looking at what other avenues I can go down in this regard so I think I’ve done ok.

  • Make more time to read (the pile of books in my bedroom on my ‘To Read’ list is growing).

I have definitely made more time to read, but unfortunately the ‘To Read’ list has not gotten any smaller (I keep adding new books to it, plus all the books I have to read for uni). I’ve read quite a lot this year, but I’m sure I could read a bit more. I have a tendency to watch stupid videos on Youtube instead of reading and I really should be more strict with myself there.

  • Plan my next big holiday.

YES! Definitely! It all happened rather quickly but I spent 4 fantastic weeks in the United States in July so that’s a big tick (see the posts about the US here)! This is probably one item that I’ll put on the New Year’s Resolution list every year.

  • Make new friends and spend time with old ones.

This one, it turns out, is much harder than it appears (the making new friends bit is especially). I’ve made a real effort to make some new friends and I have to say I’ve probably only been marginally successful at it. I think I am a bit shy about getting people’s details in public settings, and also a bit judgmental of people I don’t know well. I’ll have to work on this a bit more in the future, but I’ve asked the universe to help me out so hopefully that will help.

Overall then I’ve done pretty well. I haven’t achieved everything I wanted to achieve when I wrote the list, but I’m sure I’ve achieved other things that were on the list so it balances out right? Now I just have to work out what I’m going to put on the list for next year! What on your list?

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Dear Universe

12 Thursday Dec 2013

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Adventure, Asking for what you need, Christmas, Dating, Inspiration, Motivation, Nurturing yourself, Relationships, Self Esteem

Over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about what I want out of life; what I would like to have in order to feel really, truly happy. I have a few things in mind that I think will help so I’ve decided to write them down and ask the universe to bring them to me. Maybe if I put them out there in the ‘real’ world I’ll get what I actually want this year for Christmas.

1: I’m ready for a new job.

Currently I work in Human Resources for a not-for-profit company. The work they do is vital and important but I don’t really want to be doing HR anymore. What I want to be doing is creating for a living. I’ve applied for one job as an entry level editor of a magazine, I’ve been looking into freelance writing work, I’ll even take up life modelling as a serious thing if that is what it takes to make sure I have enough money to live on. So…

Dear Universe, please bring me a fantastic new job opportunity. Somewhere that I can grow my skills in writing, somewhere I can make new friends,  and somewhere I can feel like I’m contributing something to the world. Love Fleur.

2: I’m ready for a boyfriend*.

I haven’t had a romantic relationship since September 2011. I understand that there were a lot of things I needed to work on within myself to get me to a place where I was ready for a relationship. I’ve been working really hard at being a better me, and I think I’m ready for someone to share that with. So…

Dear Universe, please bring me into contact with a fantastic person with whom I can have a loving, reciprocal and on-going relationship. While I consider myself straight, I will accept whoever you think is best. Please also bring me the wisdom to know that person when I meet them. Love Fleur.

3: I’m ready for some new friends.

I have some fantastic friends, they are beautiful and warm and loving, but they’re almost all in long term relationships and some have children too. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with them, but they’re often really busy and, understandably, can’t/don’t want to go out late etc. I’d like to get to know some more people who are creative, who are vibrant, and who are in a similar place to me in terms of life stage. So…

Dear Universe, please bring me into contact with some fantastic people with whom I can build ongoing, reciprocal, meaningful friendships with and who will be able to broaden my horizons. Please also give me the wisdom to recognise them when we meet. Love Fleur.

4: I’m ready to be happy.

All of the things above are things I think will make me  happy. Ultimately though, I want the wisdom to make myself happy. So…

Dear Universe, please bring me whatever I need to be happy with what I have. Please give me the resilience to weather life’s ups and downs. Please give me the strength to fight for what I believe in, for what is right. Please give me the ability to love myself, my friends, my family, and for humanity in general. Please give me the confidence to do what I enjoy and not to do what I don’t enjoy. Love Fleur.

Hopefully putting my requests out there will enable me (or the universe) to do all the things I need to do to achieve what I want to achieve in the next year. I don’t think these requests are too big, or too greedy. I think I deserve them, I think everyone deserves to be happy.

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So, how have you been lately?

19 Tuesday Feb 2013

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bad days, Depression, mental-health, Nurturing yourself, Psychology, Relationships, Self Esteem

I feel like I haven’t been updating as often as I should, and I’m sorry to say it’s because I haven’t been doing so great lately. I’ve been dealing with some stuff that’s come up in therapy and to be honest it’s been taking up a lot of my time just keeping myself afloat. I’ve had to answer the question ‘So, how have you been lately’ a lot over the last few weeks and it’s been increasingly difficult to feel genuine when I say ‘Yeah, good, and you?’

In addition to the therapy stuff some of my attempts to make some new friends (as advised by my psychologist and my GP) have gone pretty disastrously badly. Breaking up with friends (yes, it’s a thing and it’s something people should do more often) is something I never enjoy.

I’ve spoken to a few of my friends about my current struggle and they all assure me that it will be over soon. I kind of know, deep down, that this must be the dark before the dawn but at the same time it feels so very, very dark.

I’ve been trying to do the right things for myself: taking my medication, and seeing my psychologist and my GP. They talk about me apparently, and worry about me. I don’t know whether that makes me feel better or worse!

I’m learning to be nicer to myself when I think I’m being unproductive. Art is not something that can be done in a production line, it has to come from somewhere and go to somewhere. I guess the plus side of this current slump is that I have lots of great material. Or something.

Right now I’m trying to focus on simple things.

–          Drinking more water, having less caffeine and eating well;

–          Exercising and stretching;

–          Meditating and being in the moment;

–          Not pushing myself too hard; and

–          Continuing to pursue relationships which nurture me.

There has been some good stuff taking up my time too. I’ve started taking acting classes and am really enjoying the new outlet for my creativity, even though some of the activities I find incredibly challenging. The last weekend was filled with some amazing socialising; a wedding and a beautiful catch up with a friend from out of town.

I hope that I’ll have some more awesome stuff for you all soon, photo essays, writings, adventures and other things. In the meantime I’m going to take each day as it comes and hopefully things will improve.

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Renewing Old Friendships

26 Sunday Aug 2012

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey

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Nurturing yourself, Old friends, Relationships, Self Esteem, You're worth it

I have written before about how my journey has taken me away from people who used to hold important places in my life. This last week I made it my goal to get back in touch with people who I believe are going to be positive influences in my life but with whom, for various reasons, I have not made much effort to maintain regular contact.

First I had dinner with P. She has been a constant background presence in my life. One of those people who you know will always be there for you, but who you can go for 12 months without speaking to and it’s not weird. I met her in primary school and we’ve been through some serious stuff together.

We talked for a long time about the ways our lives have been hard, about how we’ve tested the boundaries of acceptable behaviour, about the mistakes we’ve made and about what we want now and where we want to go in the future. I was so pleased to hear that she is feeling exactly what I’m feeling right now – that what I want is friends who are normal, boring, settled down.

I also had coffee with S. I met S randomly when she took up a vacant room in a sharehouse I lived in for several years. I had always felt that S was essentially too normal to be friends with me. Not conservative, not judgemental, just normal. We lived together for nearly 3 years but when she moved out I left the relationship on the backburner. I felt like I was too weird for her to want to know me.

I am so glad that I made the effort to contact S, she is a beautiful soul with a lot to give to a friendship. She is insightful and genuinely seems to think I’m worthwhile, something I need more of in my world.

I guess this comes back to the idea of deserving normal friends that I wrote about last week. I’ve always felt like an outsider, ever since I was a child. I tended to stick with people who were a bit weird, a bit awkward, other social outcasts because I thought I would find acceptance and love there.

What I am now realising is that I was making myself an outcast. I was pushing people away. I didn’t like myself so I was always surprised when other people liked me. Sometimes I am still surprised, but I’m learning to like myself more and accept peoples’ affection with each step I take.

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Trust the Universe

03 Sunday Jun 2012

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey

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Bad days, Loneliness, Nurturing yourself, Relationships, Self Esteem

I wrote quite a long post about how I’ve been a bit down recently over my lack of romance. I have decided not to publish that. Instead, I am going to publish the below list of affirmations that came out of that post and that I want to make the mantras of my life.

I am quiet; I can hear what the universe is telling me in a whisper.
I am open; I am ready to accept into my heart whoever the universe brings me.
I am patient; I accept that I am not ready for some of the things the universe has planned and I accept that they will come when I am ready for them.
I am worthy; I deserve to be happy and fulfilled.
I am strong; I am strong enough to admit that I need other people to support me.
I love myself; I am a fantastic person and deserve to make others richer through my friendship with them.
I am willing to learn; I will do everything in my power to accept the lessons I am shown and to absorb the knowledge of the universe.
I am a creator; I create my world, I create my art, I create myself.
I am powerful; I am the only person who can accept the gifts of the universe.
I am sensitive; I allow myself to feel pain and joy and suffering and ecstasy.

I hope that by putting these affirmations out into the universe they become real for me. It is hard to accept that this part of my journey is a lonely one, but I believe that it is merely the darkness before the light, the cold that gives definition to the warmth.

So Universe – I give myself up to you!

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Tough Decisions

21 Saturday Apr 2012

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey, Travel

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Adventure, Bad days, Inspiration, Nurturing yourself, Psychology, Relationships, Saying no, Self Esteem

This week I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

Back story: About eight months ago I decided to go to Burning Man 2012 on a whim. I had been inspired by some of the Trey Ratcliffe’s photos from the event and it had been something I’d wanted to go to for a long time so I decided to stop letting things stop me and just go!

A friend of mine was also going to come with me. Since then she has done most of the organising for the trip because she’s amazing at organising things, doing thorough research, making enquiries etc, and because I was kind of caught up with myself and let her do all the work. She has organised tickets to Burning Man, flights, booked accommodation, and an RV to drive into the desert. This is no mean feat and I was completely in awe and indebted to her for doing it.

When I decided to go to Burning Man, I was a different person. I thought I was happy in my corporate job, doing my business degree, existing through life with as little free time as possible because if I thought to hard about what I was really doing the bubble would have burst. I didn’t know the things about myself that I know now, I didn’t understand what made me happy, what challenged me, what depressed me, what I enjoyed and didn’t enjoy about the world; this is stuff that I have learned in the months since leaving my ‘real’ job.

The decision: Basically that I couldn’t go to Burning Man. I had envisioned this journey as a spirit quest of sorts, a shedding of all of my old self and a real immersion of the new self, the artist, the wanderer, the authentic me in a community where I felt I would be able to blossom and nourish that self. Having started the journey I realise just how far I have to go before I am ready to make that leap, how fragile the self I’m creating is, how I need to be gentle with it in order for it to grow. I have made a lot of big changes in my life, but they are really more like a series of small steps; Burning Man feels more like stepping off a precipice into the unknown and I honestly don’t think I am ready for it.

There were a few other reasons that factored in the final decision. Firstly I would have to miss a whole semester of uni which I am really enjoying and I feel like it is something that nourishes me; it’s not something I want to give up for 6 months at this time. Secondly that I actually don’t think I could afford it; when I decided to go, I had a salaried job with annual leave, I would have been able to take paid leave for the month we would be away with my current job however, I am casual so I don’t get any holiday or sick pay and I’m earning significantly less than half my old wage, so saving for it is more difficult and by necessity slower.

I started to think that I would have to pull out of the trip weeks ago. I thought about it a lot, I looked at all the angles, I tried to look at it objectively, because not only was it a huge decision for me, but it strongly affected another person. After considering my options and assessing my feelings about cancelling, I realised that I had to do it. I had to be true to myself, and to my friend, because if I went through with this trip without my heart being in it 100% it would be a huge mistake and probably result in both of us having an awful time and regretting the trip.

When I called my friend to tell her she was understandably devastated, but I hope she understands that it couldn’t have been any other way. This has to be one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do, but also one of the most liberating decisions I’ve made. I don’t want to imply that I won’t go to Burning Man one day, and in fact I still see it as the spiritual journey I need to take, but I also need to respect the fact that now is not the time for it. Part of realising how far I’ve come on this journey involves being realistic about how far the road stretches out in front of me and being gentle with myself about how far I’ve come along it. The road I am travelling is not a race, it’s a lifetime.

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To be or not to be… in a relationship

06 Friday Jan 2012

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey

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Being single, Nurturing yourself, Relationships, Self Esteem

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today (and recently) about relationships. I am coming to the time in my life were a lot of people around me are in long term, stable relationships and many of them are starting families. Even the media seems to be obsessed with sex and coupling and babies and happily ever afters.

I haven’t been in a serious relationship for a long time, since about June in 2009. The relationships I’ve had since then have been short-lived, casual, most of them fairly meaningless except one.

That one relationship was a turning point in my life for many reasons. I thought I had found The One and I was relieved because I had started to think I would never find love, that I was too picky or too hard to love or just didn’t deserve it or any number of other crappy reasons. That relationship was only a few months long but it was one of the most intense experiences of my life. It opened up my eyes to just how unhappy I was with my life in so many ways – it was the catalyst for the changes I’ve made to my life (and to starting this blog). It was also one of the most difficult relationships I’ve had, it was tumultuous, emotional and it ended very abruptly.

For weeks after it ended I thought there would be a reunion, that it was just bad timing and that we were meant to be together but recently I’ve realised that I wasn’t happy in that relationship either.

What I am starting to question is: do I even want to have a relationship? I mean sure regular sex with someone you actually like is really super, but is it really necessary? Do we need another person to make us happy? Is there anything wrong with choosing to remain single? With choosing to live life as an individual, surrounded by people who love them, but none who are in love with them? Since I’ve been making these changes I’ve been settling in to the idea that I don’t want a relationship right now, and who knows, maybe ever. Now that’s not to say that if someone came along who blew me away and who I really had a strong, mature, stable, adult connection with I would push them away, more that I think I want to stop looking.

Which sort of brings me to something else that I have been thinking about recently: kids. I always thought I would be a mum, that I would grow up to have a good job, a white picket fence, a mortgage, a partner and 2.4 kids. The only thing is that as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to think that this is less and less likely (particularly in light of the recent not wanting a relationship phase). Now some of you would say ‘why not have a baby on your own?’ and I would say ‘that’s a totally valid choice, but while I have a lot of respect for people who choose to have babies without partners it’s really not something I would choose for myself.’

So that leaves me feeling like I might end up that crazy spinster aunt who lives in a house filled with cats (except there wouldn’t be any cats because I’m allergic). And you know what? I think I might even be happy with that. I would write crazy spinster poetry, and make crazy spinster art and be happy in my own crazy spinster world surrounded by my beautiful friends.

I look around me at all the happy couples and think maybe that would be nice, but I also think I’m pretty happy right now just the way things are. So I am not going to actively look for love, I am going to spend some time thinking about me, about being the best me I can be, about bringing new amazing arty types into my life to fill me with inspiration and if a relationship falls out of that process then awesome but if not I won’t be disappointed, because I am not defined by my ability to be a couple, I am defined by my ability to be me.

No man is an island but certainly not every man is only one half of a whole.

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fleurblum@hotmail.com

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