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Fleur Blüm

~ writer, performer, musician

Fleur Blüm

Tag Archives: Nurturing yourself

Welcome 2016!

01 Friday Jan 2016

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Adventure, Artist Date, Inspiration, live music, Music, NaNoWriMo, Nurturing yourself, Poetry, poetry groups, Reading, Travel, Writing, Writing Group

So, I went out last night with some beautiful people and had a bloody fabulous time, but now I’m feeling a little bit delicate around the eyeballs*.

You might know that I don’t drink alcohol, but it turns out staying up late, jumping up and down, and then sleeping fitfully coz it’s really hot feel quite similar to a hangover (I assume, I haven’t really ever had one).

Anyway, welcome to 2016. It feels weird to be writing that as the date. It feels a bit like we’re in the future already and that feels pretty strange.

As I promised yesterday I’m doing my goals for the new year. I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions because I believe we should all be striving to live our best lives all the time. Also because most people don’t keep them.

In 2016, I’ve grouped my goals into three categories: Writing Projects, Concrete Goals, Vaguely Defined Aspirations.

Writing Projects include:

  • Winning NaNoWriMo in 2016
  • Edit the Choose Your Own Adventure book from 2015
  • Redraft You Brought this on Yourself (2014 manuscript)
  • Finalise and pitch Adventures in Mediocrity script

I’m going to keep going to my two writing groups, I’m going to try to get into a routine of setting time aside to work on my longer stuff during the week. Of course I’ll probably still be frantically coming up with something for the writing groups about three hours before I have to be there! Maybe this year I’ll even be a bit more organised about that, but I do seem to thrive with a looming deadline, so I probably won’t.

My concrete goals are:

  • Plan or take a new trip
  • Perform with the band

The band seems to be coming on steadily, so I’m confident that this one will happen. I’ve been writing a bunch of lyrics, along with Charlie, the singer, and we’re finding our creative grooves both individually and collectively.

I want to go on another trip. I think travel is important for both sanity and growth. I haven’t been to South America, or Africa, or Asia, so one of those places might be the go this time, although having people to visit in Europe makes it very tempting to go back. I haven’t put ‘go on a trip’ on the list because I might not have the money to do it in 2016, but I will definitely be going sometime soon.

Finally my vaguely defined aspirations are:

  • Get a job
  • Learn new stuff/expand
  • Talk to strangers/meet new people
  • Exercise
  • Read
  • Explore
  • Eat well

Taking care of my body and my mind are top priorities for this year, so these items are designed to help me do that. I give myself permission to do nice things for myself, like going for walks, doing short courses, spending money on nice food, and meeting people.

I think it’s a pretty good looking list. I’ve covered all the bases of stuff I want to work on and continue to improve in the new year. If I think of any more concrete goals I’ll just add them onto the master list that I have on a Sticky Note on my computer desktop (so high-tech).

Thank-you to everyone who made 2015 amazing! I’ve learned so many things, like how to Blasphememe, and met new amazing people like Tay, Joe, and Charlie (my band, ❤ you guys). I’ve been pushing the boundaries of my mind, I’ve joined a new writing group, I’ve had a bunch of jobs, I nearly melted my brain with art, and I hope this year will be just as full of fabulousness (or possibly even more full)! I love you all. xo

 

*this has been greatly improved by consumption of coffee, I’m feeling pretty human now.

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Photo Portraiture

08 Sunday Mar 2015

Posted by toearlyretirement in Art, Photo Essay

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Tags

Adventure, Art, Canon 1100D, Challenge, Creative Photo Workshops, Inspiration, Melbourne, Motivation, Nurturing yourself, Photo Essay, Photography, Professional development

For Christmas, my mum gave me a ‘voucher’ for a photography course. She made it herself and it accompanied some money with which to pay for said course. My mum does good presents.

I took some time looking around for a course that would suit my skill level, more experienced than a beginner but not a super whiz (especially with the technical side of things). After speaking to a few photographer friends and having a look at the photos available on each course’s website, I decided to go with Creative Photo Workshop‘s Natural Light Portraits course. It was a bit on the expensive side compared to the other courses out there, but ran for six hours, and, it turns out, they pay for a model, which was really great for practising. I decided that the longer duration (other courses run for three hours) justified my spending more on it.

Model - Brock, with window light.

Model – Brock, with window light.

Model - Brock, with carpark fluorescent lighting.

Model – Brock, with carpark fluorescent lighting.

Both of these shots were set up by the teacher in order to demonstrate what he wanted us to learn, as well as the many others I took.

I’m really glad that I attended the class. Before yesterday, I wasn’t confident to use the manual setting on my camera, although now I feel like I have a better idea of what the individual functions do and how to get them to do what I want them to.

Glynn’s photographic style is distinctive and strong, and while not completely in tune with my own style, produces some awesome effects that I’m glad to be able to replicate. He is extremely knowledgeable and he’s able to convey technical information and tips without making it seem like hard work, which is great for someone still learning. Glynn also focuses on in-camera technique, rather than post production or photoshop, which reflects my own preference. His style is a bit blokey, and though it’s not my favourite,  in the end, didn’t affect my enjoyment of the class.

So thanks Mum, and thanks Creative Photography for opening up my experience and for instilling a sense of confidence in my technical ability which should result in a better translation of my creative vision to the finished shot. Woo!! I look forward to shooting more portraits in the near future!

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Have you ever?

11 Wednesday Feb 2015

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey, Writing

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Tags

acupofteaabexandaliedown, Art, Inspiration, normal, Nurturing yourself, Writing

Have you ever worried that you’re actually boring? That you’re actually exactly the same as everyone else, and everything you think makes you special is bullshit?

Have you ever thought that being different isn’t good? Have you ever just wanted to be like everyone else and fit in and be liked and get up and go to work and come home and have a meal with a lover and go to bed and get up and go to work and be happy with that?

Have you ever managed to be happy, or even pretty contented, for a while and not picked at it like a scab? Like you can’t possibly be happy because Coca Cola tells you that you won’t be happy unless your frolicking on a beach holding an ice-cold sugary drink surrounded by models. That you won’t be happy until you live in your own detached house with a husband and two point three kids and a mortgage too big to pay off and a car too big for anyone to drive.

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought you know what, I’m actually pretty hot! Fuck everyone who doesn’t want this all up in their business, it’s their loss! I’m awesome.

Have you ever felt lonely, alienated and worthless only to go out on a date with someone and realise that you’d much rather be alone than date them just for the sake of dating someone?

Speaking of dating, did I tell you the one where I met this dude from an online dating website who told me several times in messages that he was boring and suburban and asked if I was really sure I wanted to meet him because I seemed all creative and interesting and wouldn’t that be really dull for me because he was so boring and normal? Did I tell you about how he sat across the table from me and spent an hour regaling me with all the fucked up shit he’d done before he gave up drinking? How many times he’d driven home drunk. How many times he’d driven off the road. How many times he’d screwed people over. How he’d had his license revoked and been called a menace by the magistrate. Did I tell you how much I wanted him to be boring in that moment?

Have you ever looked at your life and thought, you know what, everything I’ve ever done, everything I’ve ever felt, good and bad and in between, has led me to this place. And this place is pretty fucking cool.

‘Coz I have.

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Happy New Year for 2015!

01 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Adventure, Challenge, Creativity, Inspiration, Motivation, NaNoWriMo, New Year, New Years Resolutions, Nurturing yourself, Spoken Word, where's my hoverboard, Writing

For the last two years, I’ve published a list of goals here that I set myself for the coming year. I think it’s important to set yourself up to succeed with specific, achievable and challenging goals. I don’t like to call them resolutions, because New Years Resolutions tend to have a high failure rate (to be honest, I’m basing this on anecdotal rather than statistical information, but it sounds true).

IMG_6476

Here is my list of goals for 2015:

  1. Win NaNoWriMo
  2. Finish and submit We Can’t Have Nice Things (the novel I started for this last year’s NaNoWriMo)
  3. Redraft the Adventures in Mediocrity script
  4. Visit the Netherlands
  5. Finish my Bachelor of Letters
  6. Perform with the band I’m in
  7. Find/perform at new spoken word events
  8. Find a ‘good’/’real’ job
  9. Talk to strangers
  10. Exercise
  11. Read
  12. Explore
  13. Expand
  14. Eat well

The first five of these are pretty easily defined and achievable. Numbers two, three and five I hope to have ticked off by the middle of the year. Winning NaNoWrimo has to happen in November, because that’s when it’s on. I guess I could do it any time, but having the other participants there for encouragement is a really important part of the process for me.

I’m planning to go to the Netherlands to visit my friends Simon and Katharine in their summer, once I’ve finished my degree. I have four subjects, or about six months, left on the Bachelor of Letters and a trip feels like a suitable reward to myself.

Performing with the band is one of the only goals on the list that relies heavily on other people for it to be achieved. Part of that is scary, but part of it is exhilarating! Setting myself a team goal is going to be a stretch for me, and I think I will feel even better for having achieved it. I’m aiming for that to happen in the second half of the year, we have a lot of work to do before we’re ready to get up on stage.

Number eight, is related to the end of my study. Once I finish studying I’m going to have a meeting with myself about what I want to do for work. I’m enjoying the casual work I do at the moment, but it doesn’t really feel like a grown up job. I think I’ll probably want a job with stability and routine so that I can channel myself into my creative pursuits in my time outside of work. It’s also nice to have colleagues with whom you work regularly and build up a relationship with, that’s one of the things I guess I miss most about my old job.

Finding new spoken word events is primarily up there because I’ve really enjoyed the stuff I’ve done with Velvet Tongue and Little Raven, but I don’t know whether they’re going to continue this year, so expanding that network is going to be important. There are a few different venues that host spoken word open mics and slams and other things, so I’m sure I’ll be able to find somewhere where I’ll feel good getting up on stage.

The last six are a bit more vague and are there to encourage me to really focus on learning, growth and pushing my own boundaries. I want to continue to expand my creativity, to explore new avenues of friendship, work, and relationships. I want to meet new people. I want to spend time on myself and value myself by cooking more and eating better – since moving to Fitzroy I haven’t been able to get into a good routine foodwise.

Thank you to everyone who made 2014 a year of learning to be happy. Thank you specifically to Cathy and Aaron for hosting a very sophisticated dinner party last night, it felt very grown up, and you are both really important to me. Thank you to everyone who I met in 2014 and thank you for everyone who’s stuck around from before. Thank you to my family. I love you all and I look forward to sharing this year with you.

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Multi-disciplinary art

22 Monday Dec 2014

Posted by toearlyretirement in Art, Music, My Journey, Writing

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Art, Artist Date, Inspiration, NaNoWriMo, Nurturing yourself, Procrastination, Writing

According to a guy I was talking to on an online dating website, Joni Mitchell used to think of creativity as being like crop rotation. If you worked in more than one artistic discipline there would be periods where you would spend a lot of time on one form and the others would lie fallow, as it were. You would ride the crests and troughs of each type of art so that they would each have time to mature and regenerate between periods of high productivity.

I’ve been feeling bad about the amount of time I’ve spent on the novel I started for NaNoWriMo this year since November finished. I made it through the challenge, and I won, but since it’s been December I’ve written very little. The reason I guess I’m feeling a bit guilty about it, is that the story isn’t finished.

I don’t like the fact that the story isn’t finished. It niggles at my brain but I’ve been really really not feeling like writing. I know this isn’t surprising, NaNoWriMo is not a sustainable way of writing, and the last two times I’ve done it, I’ve finished the work within the month. I’ve never had this feeling of unfinishedness hanging over me.

There are other contributing factors too. I’m not studying currently because it’s not semester time, and since I’m a full-time student these days I don’t have a ‘proper job’ so I’m sort of not really doing anything which means I’m floating around and floating around feels directionless and feeling directionless is a bit of a vicious cycle in which you feel like you don’t achieve anything so you then don’t feel motivated to achieve anything and therefore don’t achieve anything. I think you can all see what I’m getting at.

I have been spending a significant amount of time on my bass guitar playing, so that’s good. And I’m sure it being right before Christmas isn’t helping with the generally weird feeling of forced frivolity either. I don’t really know what this post is trying to say but y’know, maybe I’ll take myself on a photowalk tomorrow or write a couple of thousand words and then I’ll feel a bit more like I’ve done something.

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All this stuff

29 Sunday Jun 2014

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey, Writing, Writing101

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Challenge, consumer, consumerism, Inspiration, Letting go, Materialism, Moving house, Nurturing yourself, Writing, Writing101

Tell us the story of your most-prized possession.

 

For the final day of the Writing101 challenge the prompt is to tell the story of my most prized possession. But I’m not going to do that. I want to talk to you about material things. I’ve spent a bit of time over the last few days thinking about, no, obsessing over, the stuff I own and whether I actually need it. Now that I’ve quit my job and have a more uncertain income situation I’ve been considering whether it might be time to move house.

There are pros and cons to every living arrangement. The room I have now is pretty cheap and it’s in a great location. On the other hand, the room I have is weirdly shaped, cramped, and drafty and there are ants in summer and there are four people living here (not to mention with various overnight guests). So, pros and cons.

I looked online for other places that would be less expensive, just assessing my options, and I started thinking about what I would take with me if I moved. There are some things that I’ve been carrying around with me for years that I hardly use, but for whatever reason I’ve been hanging on to. Objects which are associated with memories, with times in my life.

Take my stereo for instance. It was a present for my fifteenth (or possibly sixteenth) birthday from my parents. My brother sourced the components from the second hand hi-fi place he was working in, it’s chunky and old and I love it. It also comes with the two speakers I got at fifteen and the two much bigger speakers I inherited from my second boyfriend (the gothy one from this post). I’ve taken this stereo with me every time I’ve moved house since I left home, and if I’m honest, it’s really awkward, because it’s massive and loud and analog and and and.

It feels like a betrayal to consider getting rid of it – I’ve had some really great times with it, listening to music on my own, or using it to blast the neighbours at parties, but not lately. I’m beginning to realise that I’m a pretty big nanna; I don’t like parties or late nights, and for the most part I’m happy to listen to music through my computer. Which means I don’t need, or use, the stereo.

What other stuff am I hanging on to ‘just in case’ I want to use it? How often do I catch myself buying stuff just because it seemed like a good idea? I feel myself being a mindless consumer, wanting something just because it’s there, and it’s shiny, and someone else has it.

I know that things can have a lot of significance based on where you got them, who you got them from, what memories you’ve created with them, but in the end everything is just stuff. We’ll remember the stuff that’s great without the thing to remind us, especially if it’s a good memory. We’ll remember the hard times that we’ve had, deep in our hearts, whether or not we have the objects there to remind us.

I want to be able cherish the things I have and use, but to be able to disconnect myself from them when it’s time. Stuff is just stuff. The more you have, the more you have to lose. The more you carry the heavier the burden. I don’t need stuff to be happy. Most of my memories are stored in digital form anyway – my writing, my journals, my photos, are all on hard drives (and some websites), I won’t get rid of those, but what else do I need? I just need something to eat, somewhere to sleep, something to do, and people to love and to love me.

I’m going to repeat that to myself that over and over until it’s true.

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What if?

28 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey, Writing, Writing101

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Art, Artist Date, Bad days, Career, Conflict, Family, Feminism, Feminist, Inspiration, Loneliness, Melbourne, Mentors, Motivation, Nurturing yourself, Relationships, Self Esteem, Success, Writing, Writing101

Today is a free writing day. Write at least four-hundred words, and once you start typing, don’t stop. No self-editing, no trash-talking, and no second guessing: just go. Bonus points if you tackle an idea you’ve been playing with but think is too silly to post about.

 

I identify as a feminist. Usually I’m completely happy with this, but sometimes, I find myself wanting things that are decidedly unfeministy. Like a boyfriend and a baby and a house in the suburbs. I’ll turn 30 later this year. It keeps feeling like this should be a big deal, like I should have sorted my shit out by now, but it is pretty clear to me that I really, really haven’t got anything sorted out.

I’ve just left a perfectly good, if soul-crushing, permanent part time job for nothing. I haven’t really got another job to go into. I plan to study full-time next semester, but without Centrelink/welfare payments I’ll have to get a job of some sort to survive. I have been in a romantic relationship for a total of four weeks out of the last (nearly) three years. I’m generally not doing well in the ‘being a grown-up department’.

The difficulty for me with these conflicting desires is that I know, intellectually, that I’m capable of being happy without a husband, baby, house and white picket fence. I also know, intellectually, that having these things does not guarantee happiness, and that many people would look at my free, arty farty lifestyle with envy, but I still want them. I guess there’s that part of me, having grown up with all of those expectations of normality, that wants to fit in.

I always saw myself as a parent, a mother, and the idea that it might not be a reality for me is kind of hard to fathom. I’m not so invested in the idea for a baby that I would have one alone, I don’t mean any disrespect to single mothers/parents, but it seems like a lot of hard work, and I’m not up for that.

On the other hand women who don’t have kids are supposed to be focussed on their careers. In a lot of ways I am focussed on my career, my aims to be a writer, but that’s not usually what people mean by career. I don’t want to climb the corporate ladder. I don’t want to work really hard so I have lots of cash and no time. I often feel like a massive failure on lots of different societal measures of success, although I seem to be pretty good at academic pursuits which is supposed to be desirable, but usually only on the way to career or babies.

So how do I make peace with myself, with my path, if I won’t achieve ‘success’? Even if I don’t want to. How do I tell the part of my brain that wants money, husbands, babies and houses to be quiet so the other part, the part my heart knows is right for me, can guide me? And what if my chosen path is never ‘successful’? I might get a few things published here and there, but I might never be a full time writer. Maybe I’ll be working in admin a few days a week and churning out writing that no one will pay for and hardly anyone will read when I’m 75. I really want to be ok with this. I will always have ambition, and that’s great, but I want to be able to be happy without those things.

What if I’m a bad feminist because I want those things? What if I can’t achieve the things I want? What if the things I want aren’t socially acceptable? What if I’m a failure as a human being? What if I want things that won’t make me happy?What if… What if…

But what if I just stop worrying and start living? How about I try that and see how I go from there.

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Lost and Found

24 Tuesday Jun 2014

Posted by toearlyretirement in Art, Writing, Writing101

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Tags

Adventure, Art, Canon 1100D, Challenge, drawings, Flanigan Lane, Inspiration, Laneways, life drawing, Melbourne, Melbourne Laneways, Motivation, Nurturing yourself, Photo Essay, Photography, Self Esteem, street art, Writing, Writing101

During my adventure on Sunday in the laneways of Melbourne, I came across something that looked like discarded drawings. In a laneway near the law district which was a weird combination of old and new, on the cobbled street next to a big blue skip, was a large, forlorn looking piece of paper. When I first saw it, I thought it was just rubbish, but then I realised it was very white.

As I walked up to the paper I saw, in the fold, a half-hidden charcoal sketch of a nude figure. I wanted to know why someone would have thrown it away, and looked around for other clues. Further down the laneway, where I assume the wind had taken them, were other pages of drawings. I couldn’t have told you exactly why, but these pages, lying dead in an alley, filled me with an intense feeling of melancholy. Someone out there had hated their own work so much that they’d discarded it. They had hated themselves so much that they couldn’t bear the reminder of what they saw as their own inadequacy.

Flanigan Lane - discarded art

Flanigan Lane – discarded art

Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic. It’s just as likely that this artist didn’t care about the drawings. Maybe they were doing a life drawing class with their partner, or a friend, and didn’t have any room in their heart for the scribblings that they made. It’s almost as sad to think of people who don’t have room for art – people who are too busy, or who just aren’t paying attention. I suppose it reminds me of the person I used to be when I didn’t have time to work on my art, at time when I discarded my work, didn’t value it, or nurture it. I remember how sad I was, how there was a deep wound inside me that I didn’t even realise was there. Occasionally I look at my life now and think about how stressful it is, or how far away from my goals I am, or how I’m a bit lonely, or sad, or whatever, but sometimes I remember where I came from. How distant that person who started on this path seems. Now when I’m sad I know it. When I feel something I can really feel it. Before I didn’t even know I was unhappy, I thought that this was as good as it gets.

There is no way that an artist can keep everything that they produce, of course there will always be a selection process going on, there must be in order to grow. I do it with my writing all the time, get half way through some ill-formed concept and decide it’s never going to work, but it really reminded me that sometimes you can’t see the value in your own work and we have to be gentler with ourselves sometimes.

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Mum’s One-Pot Chicken Soup

16 Monday Jun 2014

Posted by toearlyretirement in Writing, Writing101

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Challenge, chicken soup, Comfort Food, Inspiration, Melbourne, Mother, Motivation, Mum, Nurturing yourself, Recipe, Relationships, Thai food, Thai Tom Yum, Vietnamese food, Vietnamese Pho, Writing, Writing101

Day Ten’s prompt is to write about a favourite childhood meal that meant celebration or comfort. I’ve been thinking about this for a couple of days and the one that sticks out for me is the chicken soup my mother made me when I had all my wisdom teeth out. Because I’d had all four wisdom teeth out under anaesthetic I couldn’t really chew for a week or so, so my mum blended this soup, which didn’t really work so well, but it was very welcome nonetheless.

I have a lot of love for Asian influenced brothy soups; Vietnamese Pho, Thai Tom Yum, really anything with broth and chilli. I think it comes from growing up in Box Hill, an area with a heavily Asian population, lots of Asian grocery shops that sold lots of excellent vegetables like bok choy, pak choy, and wombok, and tasty sauces with difficult to read labels. Plus, when made the way my mum used to, this chicken soup was a super easy one pot wonder and ready in about half an hour.

As a grown up, I often use this soup as a go to, particularly when I’m feeling a bit run down, or want comfort in winter. My old housemates, Simon and Kat, also got in on the chicken soup action, so here’s my recipe (or at least, it’s sort of a loose guide to the way I make it).

Ingredients:

  • Chicken pieces
  • Rice/ Rice noodles
  • Onion (optional)
  • Carrot
  • Greens – seasonal stuff, zucchini, broccoli, wombok, pak/bok choy, beans, peas, whatever you like as long as it’s plentiful and green.
  • Stock/Water
  • Chilli sauce
  • Soy sauce
  • Hoisin sauce

Method:

Fill a big pot about half way with water or stock. I usually use a stock cube, but if you have home-made stock that’s even better, or that broth they use to make pho.

Put the pot on the stove to heat while you get started on the other stuff.

Next, put the chicken pieces Into the pot. I don’t usually wait for it to boil, but you can if you like. Depending on the size of your chicken pieces you’ll need to simmer that for a while, maybe 10 minutes for small bits of breast or thigh, maybe 20 minutes for anything with a bone still in it.

While that’s simmering, chop the carrot, onion and greens.

After the 10 or 20 minutes has gone by, add your rice*, I’d say about 1/3 cup per serve or something. I don’t really know, I just kind of chuck in a mug full or so for a bit pot. Simmer the rice for 3-4 minutes.

Add your carrot and onion, simmer for another 3-4 minutes.

Finally add your greens and simmer for 3-4 minutes**.

By now your rice should be cooked, as well as your vegies and everything else.

To serve, put the soup into bowls and add chilli, soy and hoisin to taste. You can also add lemon juice and bean sprouts for more of a pho flavour.

Depending on your needs, you can make big batches of this which you can save for later, or single serving versions. Note: if you save this soup for later, the rice will continue to swell and you’ll end up with more of a stew type thing. You can add extra water/stock if you like, or just eat it as is it’s still super tasty.

*If you’re using brown rice, put it in 10 minutes earlier.

**If you’re using rice noodles, add them with the greens at the end.

 

This is probably not a great recipe if you’re looking for strict instructions, but I’m a fairly loose sort of cook. I’m having this for dinner tonight, and I hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

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Some thoughts about failure and inspiration

14 Saturday Jun 2014

Posted by toearlyretirement in My Journey, Writing, Writing101

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Adventure, Artist Date, Bad days, Carrie Fisher, Challenge, Depression, Fear, Friends, Inspiration, Jim Carey, Melbourne, Motivation, Nurturing yourself, Relationships, Self Esteem, Writing, Writing101, Yoda

So, I got a little behind with my Writing101 challenge because I had to do an assignment at the last minute and have it done by midnight last night. This was difficult, because apart from having had several weeks in which to do the aforementioned assignment, I basically procrastinated it until there were just over three hours in which to write, reference, proof read and submit the thing. It was, I will freely admit, a very poor effort. I wouldn’t be surprised if it brings down the grade for that subject significantly.

Instead of doing the day nine prompt, about taking perspectives, I’m going to write about misdirected energy. I procrastinated that assignment because I was afraid. I didn’t really know how to approach it, I didn’t feel confident that I could answer the question. I had been to the library (as in actually physically attended it, and borrowed real books) and got out a selection of relevant texts. I had had a cursory look through them, I’d done a bit of online researching, but all of that didn’t really help when it came to writing the essay. I’m not even sure I understood the question correctly. But for some reason the idea of putting it off was much, much more attractive than starting to write or asking for help, or choosing a different topic. I redirected my energy and my focus onto all sorts of other things, mainly watching and rewatching TV series on my computer.

I felt like I didn’t have control and that scared me, so I did everything I could to avoid thinking about it instead of doing something useful. Any that has prompted some pretty strong feelings of disappointment with myself.

Consequently, I spent quite a lot of time over the last few days thinking about anger, and in particular my anger. I don’t deal with anger well. I seem to be incapable of expressing it usefully, and so instead I internalise it, or I redirect it at something else. Especially when it’s a friend who says something that really gets under my skin, instead of saying, ‘hey that’s not very fair’ or ‘I don’t agree because…’ seethe internally and say nothing. It becomes very black and white, I start thinking I can’t be friends with that person anymore and I feel sad, like I’ve failed.

I don’t want to be the sort of person who is constantly filled with a big ball of fury (and guilt), but that’s what I feel like sometimes. There is a quote that’s made the rounds on the internet a bit that has been resonating with me.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

From what I can find it’s attributed to Carrie Fisher. I know that holding onto my anger is hurting me and that people are not black and white, they’re a beautiful spectrum of everything in between. I know that I need to either my resentment go, or find a way of constructively letting it out. Sometimes the object of my anger is not an object with which I can safely or usefully engage, and so I have to learn to let that go. Other times, I can engage, and don’t because of a fear of conflict, or more likely, an inability to ask for what I need. Times like this make me wonder what the point is of trying to change, they make me feel like all the therapy I’ve been doing is not helpful, it just keeps bringing up different shit that I have to deal with; a constant treadmill of self doubt and pain.

I guess I could also mention that since I quit my job, a stable and secure, but ultimately unfulfilling and frustrating job. I’ve been feeling like I’ve walked straight off the cliff and into the abyss. I’ve leapt out without any real safety net (again) and I’m terrified. I know it’s the right thing to do, no one grows without challenge, but god damn it’s hard to remember that when you’re worrying about where your rent money is coming from.

Maybe I’m just having a particularly challenging week and I should just give myself a break. I’m pretty good at catastrophising and making stuff into more than it really needs to be. If I try to think about the changes I’m about to make as correcting myself back onto the path I want to be on, rather than as having to start again that might be helpful. If I try to remember all work I’ve done over the last few years to get me to where I am today, that will help. If I try to focus on all the amazing opportunities in front of me, like all the writing and performance I’ve been doing, and about the great people I’ve met through it, about the encouraging and kind feedback I’ve had that helps.

So to conclude, having gone almost all the way around, I will leave you, and myself with two things to think about. One is from Yoda:

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

I am going to try to be fearless, or at least, more fearless, because I’ll never be a famous writer if I’m afraid. The second one is from a speech Jim Carey gave to a university management class, it’s just an excerpt, but it’s powerful:

“You can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.”

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