Tag Archives: Self Esteem

What if?

28 Saturday Jun 2014

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Today is a free writing day. Write at least four-hundred words, and once you start typing, don’t stop. No self-editing, no trash-talking, and no second guessing: just go. Bonus points if you tackle an idea you’ve been playing with but think is too silly to post about.

 

I identify as a feminist. Usually I’m completely happy with this, but sometimes, I find myself wanting things that are decidedly unfeministy. Like a boyfriend and a baby and a house in the suburbs. I’ll turn 30 later this year. It keeps feeling like this should be a big deal, like I should have sorted my shit out by now, but it is pretty clear to me that I really, really haven’t got anything sorted out.

I’ve just left a perfectly good, if soul-crushing, permanent part time job for nothing. I haven’t really got another job to go into. I plan to study full-time next semester, but without Centrelink/welfare payments I’ll have to get a job of some sort to survive. I have been in a romantic relationship for a total of four weeks out of the last (nearly) three years. I’m generally not doing well in the ‘being a grown-up department’.

The difficulty for me with these conflicting desires is that I know, intellectually, that I’m capable of being happy without a husband, baby, house and white picket fence. I also know, intellectually, that having these things does not guarantee happiness, and that many people would look at my free, arty farty lifestyle with envy, but I still want them. I guess there’s that part of me, having grown up with all of those expectations of normality, that wants to fit in.

I always saw myself as a parent, a mother, and the idea that it might not be a reality for me is kind of hard to fathom. I’m not so invested in the idea for a baby that I would have one alone, I don’t mean any disrespect to single mothers/parents, but it seems like a lot of hard work, and I’m not up for that.

On the other hand women who don’t have kids are supposed to be focussed on their careers. In a lot of ways I am focussed on my career, my aims to be a writer, but that’s not usually what people mean by career. I don’t want to climb the corporate ladder. I don’t want to work really hard so I have lots of cash and no time. I often feel like a massive failure on lots of different societal measures of success, although I seem to be pretty good at academic pursuits which is supposed to be desirable, but usually only on the way to career or babies.

So how do I make peace with myself, with my path, if I won’t achieve ‘success’? Even if I don’t want to. How do I tell the part of my brain that wants money, husbands, babies and houses to be quiet so the other part, the part my heart knows is right for me, can guide me? And what if my chosen path is never ‘successful’? I might get a few things published here and there, but I might never be a full time writer. Maybe I’ll be working in admin a few days a week and churning out writing that no one will pay for and hardly anyone will read when I’m 75. I really want to be ok with this. I will always have ambition, and that’s great, but I want to be able to be happy without those things.

What if I’m a bad feminist because I want those things? What if I can’t achieve the things I want? What if the things I want aren’t socially acceptable? What if I’m a failure as a human being? What if I want things that won’t make me happy?What if… What if…

But what if I just stop worrying and start living? How about I try that and see how I go from there.

Lost and Found

24 Tuesday Jun 2014

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During my adventure on Sunday in the laneways of Melbourne, I came across something that looked like discarded drawings. In a laneway near the law district which was a weird combination of old and new, on the cobbled street next to a big blue skip, was a large, forlorn looking piece of paper. When I first saw it, I thought it was just rubbish, but then I realised it was very white.

As I walked up to the paper I saw, in the fold, a half-hidden charcoal sketch of a nude figure. I wanted to know why someone would have thrown it away, and looked around for other clues. Further down the laneway, where I assume the wind had taken them, were other pages of drawings. I couldn’t have told you exactly why, but these pages, lying dead in an alley, filled me with an intense feeling of melancholy. Someone out there had hated their own work so much that they’d discarded it. They had hated themselves so much that they couldn’t bear the reminder of what they saw as their own inadequacy.

Flanigan Lane - discarded art

Flanigan Lane – discarded art

Perhaps I’m being overly dramatic. It’s just as likely that this artist didn’t care about the drawings. Maybe they were doing a life drawing class with their partner, or a friend, and didn’t have any room in their heart for the scribblings that they made. It’s almost as sad to think of people who don’t have room for art – people who are too busy, or who just aren’t paying attention. I suppose it reminds me of the person I used to be when I didn’t have time to work on my art, at time when I discarded my work, didn’t value it, or nurture it. I remember how sad I was, how there was a deep wound inside me that I didn’t even realise was there. Occasionally I look at my life now and think about how stressful it is, or how far away from my goals I am, or how I’m a bit lonely, or sad, or whatever, but sometimes I remember where I came from. How distant that person who started on this path seems. Now when I’m sad I know it. When I feel something I can really feel it. Before I didn’t even know I was unhappy, I thought that this was as good as it gets.

There is no way that an artist can keep everything that they produce, of course there will always be a selection process going on, there must be in order to grow. I do it with my writing all the time, get half way through some ill-formed concept and decide it’s never going to work, but it really reminded me that sometimes you can’t see the value in your own work and we have to be gentler with ourselves sometimes.

Some thoughts about failure and inspiration

14 Saturday Jun 2014

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So, I got a little behind with my Writing101 challenge because I had to do an assignment at the last minute and have it done by midnight last night. This was difficult, because apart from having had several weeks in which to do the aforementioned assignment, I basically procrastinated it until there were just over three hours in which to write, reference, proof read and submit the thing. It was, I will freely admit, a very poor effort. I wouldn’t be surprised if it brings down the grade for that subject significantly.

Instead of doing the day nine prompt, about taking perspectives, I’m going to write about misdirected energy. I procrastinated that assignment because I was afraid. I didn’t really know how to approach it, I didn’t feel confident that I could answer the question. I had been to the library (as in actually physically attended it, and borrowed real books) and got out a selection of relevant texts. I had had a cursory look through them, I’d done a bit of online researching, but all of that didn’t really help when it came to writing the essay. I’m not even sure I understood the question correctly. But for some reason the idea of putting it off was much, much more attractive than starting to write or asking for help, or choosing a different topic. I redirected my energy and my focus onto all sorts of other things, mainly watching and rewatching TV series on my computer.

I felt like I didn’t have control and that scared me, so I did everything I could to avoid thinking about it instead of doing something useful. Any that has prompted some pretty strong feelings of disappointment with myself.

Consequently, I spent quite a lot of time over the last few days thinking about anger, and in particular my anger. I don’t deal with anger well. I seem to be incapable of expressing it usefully, and so instead I internalise it, or I redirect it at something else. Especially when it’s a friend who says something that really gets under my skin, instead of saying, ‘hey that’s not very fair’ or ‘I don’t agree because…’ seethe internally and say nothing. It becomes very black and white, I start thinking I can’t be friends with that person anymore and I feel sad, like I’ve failed.

I don’t want to be the sort of person who is constantly filled with a big ball of fury (and guilt), but that’s what I feel like sometimes. There is a quote that’s made the rounds on the internet a bit that has been resonating with me.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

From what I can find it’s attributed to Carrie Fisher. I know that holding onto my anger is hurting me and that people are not black and white, they’re a beautiful spectrum of everything in between. I know that I need to either my resentment go, or find a way of constructively letting it out. Sometimes the object of my anger is not an object with which I can safely or usefully engage, and so I have to learn to let that go. Other times, I can engage, and don’t because of a fear of conflict, or more likely, an inability to ask for what I need. Times like this make me wonder what the point is of trying to change, they make me feel like all the therapy I’ve been doing is not helpful, it just keeps bringing up different shit that I have to deal with; a constant treadmill of self doubt and pain.

I guess I could also mention that since I quit my job, a stable and secure, but ultimately unfulfilling and frustrating job. I’ve been feeling like I’ve walked straight off the cliff and into the abyss. I’ve leapt out without any real safety net (again) and I’m terrified. I know it’s the right thing to do, no one grows without challenge, but god damn it’s hard to remember that when you’re worrying about where your rent money is coming from.

Maybe I’m just having a particularly challenging week and I should just give myself a break. I’m pretty good at catastrophising and making stuff into more than it really needs to be. If I try to think about the changes I’m about to make as correcting myself back onto the path I want to be on, rather than as having to start again that might be helpful. If I try to remember all work I’ve done over the last few years to get me to where I am today, that will help. If I try to focus on all the amazing opportunities in front of me, like all the writing and performance I’ve been doing, and about the great people I’ve met through it, about the encouraging and kind feedback I’ve had that helps.

So to conclude, having gone almost all the way around, I will leave you, and myself with two things to think about. One is from Yoda:

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”

I am going to try to be fearless, or at least, more fearless, because I’ll never be a famous writer if I’m afraid. The second one is from a speech Jim Carey gave to a university management class, it’s just an excerpt, but it’s powerful:

“You can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.”

A Human Character

10 Tuesday Jun 2014

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Today, you’ll write about a person you’ve met in 2014. In your twist, develop and shape your portrait further in a character study.

 

The thing about meeting new people is that they either make no impression at all or they have a lasting impact on how you see yourself, live your life or how you feel. It seems to me that there is almost no in between.

I think a lot about the idea of coupling off and whether or not it’s something that I do, or should, aspire to. I try to think of myself as being a perfectly capable, whole, human being without needing a boyfriend to feel complete, but it’s hard to maintain that feeling when so much of our lives is spend engaging in the happily ever after fantasy. And that’s not even going into the part where a woman’s most valuable, fundamental role is as a mum.

In my attempts to find happiness as an individual, I go on a lot of dates. That sounds like it’s a completely contradictory statement, and perhaps it is, but I guess I’m looking for someone to share my life with, rather than someone who completes me, and I think that works. Most of the time the dating thing doesn’t go very well. I meet a lot of people who don’t make an impression.

Occasionally there are exceptions. Around Easter I actually managed to meet a man who I was interested to have a relationship with. I would consider it an important event in my life because I hadn’t been in a relationship for more than two years before that, since before I started this blog. It didn’t last, unfortunately, but it did give me confidence that there are people in the world who find me attractive and interesting. It’s something that I need reminding of every now and then.

So how would I describe him? I suppose the first word that comes to mind is small. I don’t mean short, he would be about the same height I am, about 175cm, but he was quite slight in build. He’s really into cycling so if you think about the cyclist physique that should give you a good starting point – small arms, thin chest, and wiry but muscular legs.

He had very fair skin, being of a ginger sort of complexion, and a completely bald head. Some men are blessed with thick, luscious hair, and others suffer from the severely receding hairline. For this particular man, his hair had decided to leave the top half of his head in his is early twenties, and he dealt with it by shaving the rest of his hair off.

In contrast to his smooth scalp, he sported a neatly trimmed gingery/blonde beard. He once said that it was to cover up a number of facial scars, but I didn’t feel it was pertinent to probe too deeply what those scars were. In any event, that were not immediately obvious underneath the hair, so I assumed they were fairly minor.

In addition to the beard, he accessorised his face with a set of thin-rimmed metal glasses. Rather more oval than the circular sort worn by John Lennon, the resemblance was still there (had I been younger, perhaps I would have been reminded of Harry Potter, but they’ll always be Lennon’s glasses to me).

Putting all of these aspects together, small, bald, beard, glasses, one could easily relegate him to the category ‘nerd’. I could also mention his interest in Reddit and job in I.T., neither of which really help with the impression.

But there’s more to his guy than a flippant pigeon-holing would allow. There are the little wrinkles around his eyes which speak of a capacity for laughter, delicate tender fingers which show kindness and dexterity, and the faded, flared jeans that appeared to be a permanent fixture of his wardrobe. Then there’s his ability to engage in intelligent feminist discourse, his keen and enquiring mind, his obvious and conspicuous care for people in his life who are having a rough time, like his sister and his best friend.

Since we broke up, I’ve tried to dissect what went wrong with the relationship, on paper it seemed like we were well suited, and initially it went strongly. But maybe it’s not useful to try to dissect matters of the heart. It was very pleasant while it lasted, and he is certainly an excellent human being. I enjoyed sharing those weeks with him, and I feel like I’ve learned a lot from it. I wish him all the best with finding someone to spend his life with, as I keep walking my own path and one day hope to have someone to walk with me.

The view from here

04 Wednesday Jun 2014

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As it creeps into winter here in the southern hemisphere I find myself fantasising about warm summer breezes.

 

There is a little girl sitting on the bank of a fast flowing river. On her back are the marks of weeks worth of different tan lines across her shoulders and arms. She’s wearing a singlet top with spaghetti straps, even though people at school think she shouldn’t. It’s so hot, and her mum said it was ok anyway, and she could wear whatever she wanted. The girl’s top is teal, teal is her favourite colour. She’s sitting with her bottom on the red dusty ground, dangling her skinny legs in the water as it drifts by.

She doesn’t turn her head to look at the parade of colours which march across the sky above her as the sun finally sets. It’s quite late, the evenings last forever in the summer down here. She’s had her dinner, sausages on the barbeque and the pasta salad that her mother loves, but she doesn’t really like. She eats it because her mum made it and that’s good, even if the little girl thinks it tastes like nothing and is slimy.

If she looked up, she would see that the undersides of the clouds are orange with bits of purple, and the sky behind them is a dull grey sort of blue. The girl swings her legs back and forth and watches the eddies and whorls she makes in the water with her feet. She can still smell the sausages on her skin because she hasn’t washed her hands since dinner, and she can also smell the tomato sauce that she spilled on her stripey shorts. She tried to suck off the sauce but it still left a little stain, not quite round, more like a couple of circles stuck together but overlapping, blobby.

The girl’s hair is up, but she’s been running around all day so there are stray strands of hair sticking out all over the place. Some of them fall onto her bare shoulders and neck and they tickle her in the warm evening breeze. Then the wind suddenly picks itself up, like lots of little breezes decided to come past her spot at once, and she hears the leaves above her rustle restlessly, and the limbs of the river red gums groan and squeak.

Somewhere, it seems very far away, someone is calling her name. It might be mum, the little girl thinks, so she reluctantly pulls her wrinkly feet out of the lovely cool water, stands up, wiping her dusty hands on her dustier shorts, and trots off back towards the camp site.

Stream of consciousness

03 Tuesday Jun 2014

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The last few days have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me. I’ve been on two dates which didn’t go anywhere, I’ve resigned from my job, I’ve started the Writing101 challenge, I’ve been to an Emerging Writers’ Festival event about writing the mind and body and that totally blew my mind and now I feel kind of limp and vaguely annoyed.

I don’t know quite how to describe what’s going on inside me at the moment. I feel like all of the work I’ve been doing on myself through this blog, through my life changes, through working with my psychologist, all of it is just spinning my wheels. I suppose I should give myself credit for stuff, it’s not likely to feel as though I’ve changed, from inside my own head, but I have made some pretty big steps towards a totally different life.

Occasionally I wonder what I’m doing, and by occasionally I mean all the time. Oh, and I just remembered I sent a piece on the Isla Vista killings to a big Australian newspaper group, who were very courteous but still rejected me, and to the university newspaper where I study who said they’ve already done something on the subject and the treatment was very similar (I didn’t think it was but who am I to say) and they suggested I take it to the campus magazine for one to the other campuses in Melbourne.

I feel like I’m in this transitional phase all the time, like I’ve made enough progress, I’ve changed enough that my old life seems wholly unsatisfactory, but haven’t been able to make enough in roads in my new life, writing, blogging, photography and the rest, to actually be able to live off that. But maybe it’s less to do with where I’m at and more to do with the industry. It’s highly competitive and supremely difficult to get any sort of regular paid work. As frustrating as that is, there’s not a lot I can do about that.

So now, well in a month, I’ll be floating without the secure tether of a permanent job in the ‘real world’. The concept is frightening. I hope that I’ve made the right decision. I mean I’m sure I have, the work I was doing and the organisation I was working for was creating a space in my brain were I was very unhappy. I felt like all the nurturing I was trying to do of my creativity and of other aspects of myself was being undermined by the fact that I had a job where I was underutilised, underdeveloped, undervalued and generally unhappy. And I won’t starve, I live in a country with some relatively good welfare payments (at the moment anyway) and it’s not that hard to get casual work (right? right?).

Trying to take a deep breath and just calm the fuck down after screwing myself up, after trying to build up the courage to leap from the safety of a job that was stable, but awful, to no job at all, is going to be hard. I’ve booked myself a trip to India in July and hopefully that will enable me to gain some perspective on things. Perspective on life, on Australia, on work, on art, on writing, on everything. I remember coming back from my last trip to the United States feeling renewed and hopeful.

The sad thing is that that feeling is so fleeting. I mean I should be grateful that feelings are as changeable as they are because it means I’ll never stay in a really dark place forever, but it makes it hard when that feeling of renewal is so temporary. Chasing that feeling starts to become like work.

I think a lot of people fall into the trap of thinking they’re unhappy because they’re bored. Or thinking they’re unhappy because it’s fashionable. They want to be someone they’re not; artists wish they were accountants with stable incomes and marketable skills, accountants wish they were artists, with the freedom to work for themselves and do whatever they felt like doing on any given day. There’s a lot of ‘grass is greenerism’ in our/my world.

I hope that I don’t spend my time feeling like that. I hope that what I’m doing with my life, this path I’m following, or attempting to follow, is something that brings me genuine enjoyment. I suppose it must be because I’ve been doing it for two and a half years without getting paid and I still do things like signing up to this daily blogging challenge.

I’m excited about the stuff that’s going to come out of this challenge. I’m almost finished uni for the semester (one essay to go, which I haven’t started but I have more than a week so it’s cool, maybe). It’s almost time to leave my ‘grown-up’ employers after two years. I have all of these plans for the future. All of these goals I want to achieve. I hope I can make a life out of the things I do here in this blog, even if I don’t make a living from them. I’ve even been applying for jobs that I would really love to do, writing and journalism type jobs, which I’m not really qualified for but which I certainly won’t get if I don’t even apply. I’ve applied to speak on panels at festivals, I’ve been performing my writing in front of audiences (which I’ve loved so much), I’ve been networking furiously and trying to make new contacts in the art world who will, if nothing else, nourish my mind and soul and allow me to exist in this world more authentically and with much more joy.

New Year’s Resolutions: how did I go?

14 Saturday Dec 2013

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So, it’s getting to towards the end of the year and I’ve been thinking about what I hoped to achieve at the start of this year and thought I’d go through a bit of a performance assessment of my own ability to achieve my New Years’ Resolutions for 2013.

For those of you who need reminding this is the list of resolutions I posted in January:

  1. Finish the first read over and edits for draft 1 of my NaNoWriMo novel by 18 January.
  2. Write one page synopsis of novel by 18 January.
  3. Take the Intro to Acting course at National Theatre.
  4. Ride my bike to work (except when it’s raining or forecast to be over 35 degrees).
  5. Write a novella length piece for young adults.
  6. Win NaNoWriMo again.
  7. Keep writing!
  8. Take trips to interesting places in Victoria for photo opportunities and adventures.
  9. Continue to attend writing groups, philosophical discussion groups, and look for others.
  10. Make more time to read (the pile of books in my bedroom on my ‘To Read’ list is growing).
  11. Plan my next big holiday.
  12. Make new friends and spend time with old ones.

Let’s go through each one then, and see how well I did.

  • Finish the first read over and edits for draft 1 of my NaNoWriMo novel by 18 January.

This one’s pretty simple to measure, and I did that one! Go me! I’m starting off well!

  • Write one page synopsis of novel by 18 January.

Yep, did that one!

  • Take the Intro to Acting course at National Theatre.

Done! I did the Intro to Acting course, and then I did Acting level one! It was an awesome experience and maybe I’ll go back to acting next year because it was super fun!

  • Ride my bike to work (except when it’s raining or forecast to be over 35 degrees).

This one is a bit harder to say I definitely did it. I do ride my bike to work regularly, but it isn’t every day. Sometimes I just feel a bit shit and don’t do it, but it’s probably less that once a month, so that’s pretty good!

  • Write a novella length piece for young adults.

Ah, yes, well. I haven’t actually started this project. Damn, I was going so well too!

  • Win NaNoWriMo again.

Totally kicked goals with this one! See the blog about that here.

  • Keep writing!

Well, this one is a bit hard to measure too, but I have been regularly going to my groups, and writing quite a lot. I don’t write as much during semester when I have classes but I still do a bit here and there.

  • Take trips to interesting places in Victoria for photo opportunities and adventures.

This one I did really well with for the first half of the year, and then it was winter, and I got lazy and I haven’t done a photo adventure for ages. I really should get back into that!

  • Continue to attend writing groups, philosophical discussion groups, and look for others.

I’m still attending the Boroondara Writers’ Group every month. I went to a photography group for a while but then didn’t really feel at home there, I’ve been looking at what other avenues I can go down in this regard so I think I’ve done ok.

  • Make more time to read (the pile of books in my bedroom on my ‘To Read’ list is growing).

I have definitely made more time to read, but unfortunately the ‘To Read’ list has not gotten any smaller (I keep adding new books to it, plus all the books I have to read for uni). I’ve read quite a lot this year, but I’m sure I could read a bit more. I have a tendency to watch stupid videos on Youtube instead of reading and I really should be more strict with myself there.

  • Plan my next big holiday.

YES! Definitely! It all happened rather quickly but I spent 4 fantastic weeks in the United States in July so that’s a big tick (see the posts about the US here)! This is probably one item that I’ll put on the New Year’s Resolution list every year.

  • Make new friends and spend time with old ones.

This one, it turns out, is much harder than it appears (the making new friends bit is especially). I’ve made a real effort to make some new friends and I have to say I’ve probably only been marginally successful at it. I think I am a bit shy about getting people’s details in public settings, and also a bit judgmental of people I don’t know well. I’ll have to work on this a bit more in the future, but I’ve asked the universe to help me out so hopefully that will help.

Overall then I’ve done pretty well. I haven’t achieved everything I wanted to achieve when I wrote the list, but I’m sure I’ve achieved other things that were on the list so it balances out right? Now I just have to work out what I’m going to put on the list for next year! What on your list?

Dear Universe

12 Thursday Dec 2013

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Over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about what I want out of life; what I would like to have in order to feel really, truly happy. I have a few things in mind that I think will help so I’ve decided to write them down and ask the universe to bring them to me. Maybe if I put them out there in the ‘real’ world I’ll get what I actually want this year for Christmas.

1: I’m ready for a new job.

Currently I work in Human Resources for a not-for-profit company. The work they do is vital and important but I don’t really want to be doing HR anymore. What I want to be doing is creating for a living. I’ve applied for one job as an entry level editor of a magazine, I’ve been looking into freelance writing work, I’ll even take up life modelling as a serious thing if that is what it takes to make sure I have enough money to live on. So…

Dear Universe, please bring me a fantastic new job opportunity. Somewhere that I can grow my skills in writing, somewhere I can make new friends,  and somewhere I can feel like I’m contributing something to the world. Love Fleur.

2: I’m ready for a boyfriend*.

I haven’t had a romantic relationship since September 2011. I understand that there were a lot of things I needed to work on within myself to get me to a place where I was ready for a relationship. I’ve been working really hard at being a better me, and I think I’m ready for someone to share that with. So…

Dear Universe, please bring me into contact with a fantastic person with whom I can have a loving, reciprocal and on-going relationship. While I consider myself straight, I will accept whoever you think is best. Please also bring me the wisdom to know that person when I meet them. Love Fleur.

3: I’m ready for some new friends.

I have some fantastic friends, they are beautiful and warm and loving, but they’re almost all in long term relationships and some have children too. Now, don’t get me wrong, I enjoy spending time with them, but they’re often really busy and, understandably, can’t/don’t want to go out late etc. I’d like to get to know some more people who are creative, who are vibrant, and who are in a similar place to me in terms of life stage. So…

Dear Universe, please bring me into contact with some fantastic people with whom I can build ongoing, reciprocal, meaningful friendships with and who will be able to broaden my horizons. Please also give me the wisdom to recognise them when we meet. Love Fleur.

4: I’m ready to be happy.

All of the things above are things I think will make me  happy. Ultimately though, I want the wisdom to make myself happy. So…

Dear Universe, please bring me whatever I need to be happy with what I have. Please give me the resilience to weather life’s ups and downs. Please give me the strength to fight for what I believe in, for what is right. Please give me the ability to love myself, my friends, my family, and for humanity in general. Please give me the confidence to do what I enjoy and not to do what I don’t enjoy. Love Fleur.

Hopefully putting my requests out there will enable me (or the universe) to do all the things I need to do to achieve what I want to achieve in the next year. I don’t think these requests are too big, or too greedy. I think I deserve them, I think everyone deserves to be happy.

Happy Blogoversary to me!

09 Saturday Nov 2013

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Yesterday was the two year anniversary of starting this blog, and I would have posted this yesterday but I had to work and then I had to get my NaNoWriMo words done and then I was sleepy.

I have achieved a lot of things in the last two years that have made me much happier person, in particular I’ve been able to prioritise my own creative processes and allowed myself the time to spend on them. The very fact that I am attempting NaNoWriMo for the second year in a row and am on track to win again is a testament to this fact. Not only have I pursued my creativity alone, but I have been lucky enough to share it with like minded people. In particular I’d like to mention Louise, who is one of the greatest poets I know, Jonathan, who is a beautiful visual artist, inventor and performer who constantly boosts my ego and pushes me to do things I wouldn’t normally do, and to my lovely Boroondara Writers’ Group who consistently give me great feedback on my work and honest, useful criticisms.

There are, of course, things that I have yet to really achieve. I have been single for the entire two years I’ve had this blog, and while I think it has been a great learning curve for me, and was definitely an important part of my journey, I’d like to think that I’ve grown enough to be able to share my life with someone who will appreciate it. I still work in the ‘real world’ and unfortunately I have had at least my fair share (probably significantly more) of challenges there, so the dream of being able to make a comfortable life from the proceeds of my creative stuff is still a while off. Lastly, I’ve been in therapy for the whole two year period, and we have been struggling to overcome my depression. I have a fantastic relationship with my psychologist, and we do some excellent work together, but I constantly catch myself focusing on how far I still have to go, not on how far I’ve come.

I gave consideration to going back through some of my first blog entries to see whether I’ve changed, but I’m almost scared to do it. Part of me is afraid that nothing will have changed, but a different part of me is afraid that I’ve changed so much that I won’t recognise myself in the stuff I wrote. I know it’s happened before when I found an online journal I kept when I was in high-school.

But anyway, here’s to the next year of exploring myself, of pushing my boundaries and of creating a life that I’m happy to be living. Thank you to everyone who reads this blog, and who comments, I appreciate your support. Thank you to me for sticking with this, for walking the scary path into the unknown, for doing things that we weren’t sure we could do, and for getting up every morning to do it again.  Even if the only person who ever read this blog was me, it would be worthwhile.

Fragile Moments

02 Saturday Mar 2013

Posted by in My Journey

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The following is a bit of a rambling rant. Please don’t feel any obligation to read it.

Today I’m sad. I have had an exhausting week up in Sydney doing training for my day job. The stuff covered was leadership, conflict management, and HR skills. Four and a half days of trying to work out what’s wrong with us and how to be better at our jobs.

At one point, about 3pm on Wednesday afternoon I cracked. I couldn’t handle it anymore, I just wanted to hide and cry and eat. I managed to stay in the room for the rest of the afternoon and even pretended to get involved in some of the activities but I’d definitely hit a wall.

I don’t remember exactly what tipped me over the edge, what it was that triggered an enormous rush of anxiety to wash over me. Maybe it was one thing, or maybe it was a culmination of things from the first three days of training but it was just all too much for me.

I had a similar experience today. I was out for lunch with a couple of people I’d met through my writers’ group. At one point I started to tell them about the stuff I was going through at the moment, about the dark place I’m in, and some of the stuff I’ve been trying to do in my life to get it sorted out. At one point one of my companions decided that I had a personality disorder; well first one and later he revised it to a different one. This is a man I’ve met only once before today. A man who has no qualifications in psychology or any related fields. At first I thought he might be right, but the more I thought about it, the less I felt like that. I felt like he was trying to fit me into a box, to invalidate my experiences by saying I was ‘just disordered’, not a response to some particularly challenging circumstances. It also seemed to me to be a bit of a cop out, as my understanding of personality disorders is that they are incredibly difficult to treat and hard to overcome.

I don’t want anyone reading this to think that I have a problem with anyone with a personality disorder, or that I am judging anyone, well except this guy. My issue is they way that conversation made me feel. I felt small. I felt broken. I felt dismissed. I felt like telling him to shove it up his arse. That he had no right to cast aspersions on my mental health. That he was not trained and that he suffered from the tendency of first year medical/psychology students to diagnose themselves and others with all sorts of exotic problems.

I guess I am probably particularly sensitive to shifts in my mood lately, and to trying to figure out the things which have caused the shift but I still think that it was out of line.

So I’m sad. Sometimes I feel like I’m doing really well, other times not so much. Anyway just thought I’d have a rant. I took a few photos while I was away, not as many as I would have liked, I’ll put some of the good ones up soon.