Tag Archives: Saying no

Too busy? Me?

05 Monday Mar 2018

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I read an interesting article on the saying no to the Cult of Busyness yesterday. It advocates doing only one thing at a time, and I can’t say I’m completely on board with that, but I do think that our society undervalues down-time.

I’m particularly bad at this, juggling a few competing priorities; social contact, work, creative activities, outings and rest time. I have a bunch of projects on the go, including a couple of writing projects, two music projects, and one theatre project. I like to get as much value as I can out of my time, but last night as I lay in bed not sleeping I felt oppressed by the sheer number of balls I was trying to keep in the air. It doesn’t help that my day job is particularly busy at the moment either.

I will be able to take a bit over a week off around Easter, partly because I am working a bit more in the lead up to our big assessment. I’ve arranged to go to a little cottage near Lake Eildon for four days, just on my own. I plan to go for walks, get coffee, eat out, write in my journal, read a nice book, and possibly get some ‘proper’ writing done.

I will never be able to do one thing at a time, that’s not my style. I think I operate well when I can give things time to stew in the back of my mind while I’m doing something else. I can get better at scheduling in times for resting, and exercising.

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Here is a photo of one of my favourite bands, a local Melbourne crew called Destrends, who I saw yesterday at the Sydney Road Street Party. Apologies for the quality of the photo, they kept moving (and I didn’t get the drummer, sorry Nathan). I’m glad I went, but after a really intense Saturday I didn’t have the energy to hang around and soak up the atmosphere.

Once work is less busy, I’ll be heading to some Melbourne International Comedy Festival shows, and getting stuck into a week off! While I’m doing that I’ll practice saying no to (some) things.

Unemployment Update

20 Sunday May 2012

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Once again I am unemployed. I quit my casual hospitality job last week because I was unhappy. Not because I disliked the work, which was fine if mechanical, but because the people I was working with/for were doing my head in.

I have tried, particularly over the last 6 months, to surround myself with people who encourage and challenge me, who meet my emotional needs, who are positive about the journey I am on and who are honest in that positivity. The people I worked for were none of these things; they were negative, they undermined me and they had little understanding or respect for what I was trying to achieve from my journey. The longer I worked there the more I felt compelled to fit into the mould that they had in mind, I felt like I was dreading going to work; it was taking up more and more of my brainspace outside of my working hours. It was time to leave.

But my problem is this: where I am at this point in my journey is not going to pay my bills, so I need to work, but I am also at a point where I cannot tolerate working with people I don’t like/respect or for a business I don’t like/respect. This makes employment somewhat tricky.

A friend of mine said to me last week that she’s sure there is a perfect career out there for me, she just has to work out what it is. I hope there is; something that will give me creative challenges, that will work with my strengths and interests, that will build up my weaknesses, that will pay the rent without compromising important Fleur time or other projects such as my studies and art.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I have come across a bit of a roadblock on my journey. I am feeling quite confused about it all and I sincerely hope I did the right thing. I am sure something awesome is just around the corner, but it also feels like I’m in the darkest hour before the dawn and that’s quite scary.

 

PS: I am suffering from a cold this weekend so my apologies if this entry makes no sense.

Feeling the pull to go back to the old mentality

28 Saturday Apr 2012

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Recently I have found myself thinking about (and being asked about) what I plan to do with my Arts degree (and in a larger sense my life). Now while this is a totally valid question I have to keep taking a step back and remembering that I didn’t start this degree (and journey) for the goal, I started it for the process. I am doing things because I want to fill my days with interesting, stimulating thought not to be something specific when I graduate; just that the journey will bring me somewhere awesome for the next leg of the journey.

Additionally I have been thinking a bit about how long it will take me to complete the degree at my current rate and forgetting that this wasn’t the point of starting it. I don’t want it to be something that I try to get out of the way as quickly as possible, but something I want to enjoy while I’m doing it, something that will teach me about the world I live in and about myself.

When I decided I didn’t want to engage in the ‘real world’ by having a ‘real job’ and wanted to focus on developing myself, my creativity, my journey, my relationships etc I had assumed that it would be one decision; just decide not to engage and then live my life happily ever after. The further I get into the decision, the more I realise that everyday I have to consciously decide to disengage, I have to make an effort to be present at all times. As a friend said to me recently: it doesn’t matter what you do as long as you know why you’re doing it and are choosing it consciously (he was talking about my writing but it’s applicable more widely).

The system is designed to make you think that it’s The (Only) Way to live; it is designed to stop you questioning it, to subtly wriggle into your unconscious and sit there quietly but constantly whispering in your ear, making it a constant process to try to live outside of the system.

I grew up believing in the classic goal oriented system; you do something (e.g. study) to get something (e.g. a ‘good’ job). The means is only to achieve the end and there is almost no focus on choosing means that make you happy only goals that you think will make you happy.

I guess this post is as much directed at me as it is to you readers out there; remember that the journey is the most important thing; remember that living is more important than planning to live; remember that you have your whole life ahead of you, there are no time limits or deadlines for living; remember that nothing is a waste of time if you enjoy doing it; remember you don’t have to be good at something to continue doing it; remember to think about why you’re doing something, and if you forget why, or whatever it is no longer achieves what you want that you can change anything at any time; remember being happy is a state of mind, not a list of possessions or achievements or friends; remember that being alive means living in the present, not in the past or the future.

I wonder if the decision gets easier with time, I have a feeling that it doesn’t. The further away from the mainstream one gets, the harder that distance is to maintain; perhaps while you get better at making the decisions that you had to make at the start the more you have to focus on the new decisions that come up. I guess I just have to keep saying to myself ‘What are you doing?’ and ‘Why are you doing it?’ and if I don’t have a good answer for those two questions then maybe I’m not doing the right thing for me and need to change something to get back on track.

Tough Decisions

21 Saturday Apr 2012

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This week I made one of the most difficult decisions of my life.

Back story: About eight months ago I decided to go to Burning Man 2012 on a whim. I had been inspired by some of the Trey Ratcliffe’s photos from the event and it had been something I’d wanted to go to for a long time so I decided to stop letting things stop me and just go!

A friend of mine was also going to come with me. Since then she has done most of the organising for the trip because she’s amazing at organising things, doing thorough research, making enquiries etc, and because I was kind of caught up with myself and let her do all the work. She has organised tickets to Burning Man, flights, booked accommodation, and an RV to drive into the desert. This is no mean feat and I was completely in awe and indebted to her for doing it.

When I decided to go to Burning Man, I was a different person. I thought I was happy in my corporate job, doing my business degree, existing through life with as little free time as possible because if I thought to hard about what I was really doing the bubble would have burst. I didn’t know the things about myself that I know now, I didn’t understand what made me happy, what challenged me, what depressed me, what I enjoyed and didn’t enjoy about the world; this is stuff that I have learned in the months since leaving my ‘real’ job.

The decision: Basically that I couldn’t go to Burning Man. I had envisioned this journey as a spirit quest of sorts, a shedding of all of my old self and a real immersion of the new self, the artist, the wanderer, the authentic me in a community where I felt I would be able to blossom and nourish that self. Having started the journey I realise just how far I have to go before I am ready to make that leap, how fragile the self I’m creating is, how I need to be gentle with it in order for it to grow. I have made a lot of big changes in my life, but they are really more like a series of small steps; Burning Man feels more like stepping off a precipice into the unknown and I honestly don’t think I am ready for it.

There were a few other reasons that factored in the final decision. Firstly I would have to miss a whole semester of uni which I am really enjoying and I feel like it is something that nourishes me; it’s not something I want to give up for 6 months at this time. Secondly that I actually don’t think I could afford it; when I decided to go, I had a salaried job with annual leave, I would have been able to take paid leave for the month we would be away with my current job however, I am casual so I don’t get any holiday or sick pay and I’m earning significantly less than half my old wage, so saving for it is more difficult and by necessity slower.

I started to think that I would have to pull out of the trip weeks ago. I thought about it a lot, I looked at all the angles, I tried to look at it objectively, because not only was it a huge decision for me, but it strongly affected another person. After considering my options and assessing my feelings about cancelling, I realised that I had to do it. I had to be true to myself, and to my friend, because if I went through with this trip without my heart being in it 100% it would be a huge mistake and probably result in both of us having an awful time and regretting the trip.

When I called my friend to tell her she was understandably devastated, but I hope she understands that it couldn’t have been any other way. This has to be one of the worst things I’ve ever had to do, but also one of the most liberating decisions I’ve made. I don’t want to imply that I won’t go to Burning Man one day, and in fact I still see it as the spiritual journey I need to take, but I also need to respect the fact that now is not the time for it. Part of realising how far I’ve come on this journey involves being realistic about how far the road stretches out in front of me and being gentle with myself about how far I’ve come along it. The road I am travelling is not a race, it’s a lifetime.

That word again: Potential

26 Monday Mar 2012

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At the beginning of last year (2011) I enrolled in a Masters of Business Administration at Swinburne University in Melbourne. I thought at the time that by adding the intellectual stimulation of study I would be less miserable. As you would have figured that was not the case, however I am doing a subject this semester on Accounting. I have withdrawn from the MBA but if I finish two more subjects (Accounting included) I can graduate with a Graduate Certificate of Business Administration (or a piece of paper) which feels like it makes the whole exercise somewhat less pointless.

Today in class I was talking to the teacher after having sat a mid semester test; he said I was going very well and that I was clearly management material. He has mentioned to me before that he cannot understand why I would chose to work in hospitality (something I took up to pay the rent and get me out of the house) when I had so much more going on in my head. I guess I find what he said flattering; one is always pleased when one’s intelligence/capableness is complimented but there was something inside me that was protesting.

It’s that potential thing again; the idea that because you are good at something you should pursue it without giving thought to whether it sits well with your life stage or personal goals (it can also be phrased as ‘what a waste of good talent’ because you can do something well but chose not to). I seem to be quite good at Accounting but studying for this test was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to do because I just don’t care; Accounting is not interesting or fulfilling to me, I know that finances are important, particularly if you’re running a business, but it’s still dull.

There is something sweet and parental about my teacher’s comments, but at the same time they reflect clearly how he exists in a business world with all of it’s rules and structures and how I live (I try to do more than merely exist and sometimes I feel like I achieve it) in a world that requires more from life that secure income and accounts that balance.

I am very, very glad that I am a capable, intelligent human being; I have my genes, my parents, my schooling, my privilege and my own determination to thank for that but more than that I am glad that there are things that mean more than just finding a job that you don’t hate and going there everyday ad infinitum.

This conversation highlighted the reasons that I’m not pursuing the course after the end of this year and gave me a perfect opportunity to experience positive reinforcement for behaviours that don’t make me happy and don’t contribute to my journey as a person without succumbing to the validation blindly and changing how I felt about my path.

I still have no idea what I’m going to be ‘when I grow up’ but I guess it’s helpful to add to the list of things know what I don’t want to be. And I think I’ve grown personally to be at this point where external validation is only meaningful if it’s for something I really care about; like writing, photography, or blogging!

What am I really doing?

09 Friday Dec 2011

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Today is one of those days when I think what am I really doing? Do I seriously think that sitting around, going for walks, chatting with friends, watching tv, blogging, doing doodles, making things – doing all the stuff that has filled my days for the last five weeks – is a legitimate way to spend my life? How is this a constructive use of my time on this planet?

But then I think what else would I rather be doing? What is a better use of my time? Slaving away in a career that doesn’t mean anything to me isn’t any better and doing things for other people doesn’t contribute to my own life.

So I guess what I’m feeling at the moment is a combination of a few things; trying to reject the idea that I should have a full time job to be a valuable member of society, can I call myself an artist when I don’t produce any art, feeling guilty about ‘wasting time’ and ‘wasting my potential’ and feeling guilty about the fact that my life is built around what I feel like doing. All of these things are starting to weigh on me. Oh – and the feeling that my money is going to run out soon.

I know that in my first post I said that I would have days like this. Days where I doubt myself, where I think that I’m just kidding myself thinking I can be an artist, days where I really feel the pressure to do what society thinks is normal, days where it seems so far away and so hard and so foreign and so scary that I think maybe I can’t do it and I should just go back to being a drone in the factory of life churning out whatever they think is a good use for my ‘potential’.

I feel a bit like I’m ranting but it’s hard to see how this is going to work from where I am right now.

On the plus side I ordered a book called ‘The Artist’s Way’ by Julia Cameron from Amazon. A couple of friends recommended that I read it and do the course in it and really try to reawaken my creativity. They said it would change my life, and I believe them.

Maybe after doing it I will feel like my art is more valid. Maybe I will feel like my path is more valid. Maybe I will feel like I deserve to dedicate my life to feeling good about what I do – to being able to live off something that actually makes me live, that makes me feel alive to do, that doesn’t just suck away time and energy, but gives me energy and fills my time with joy. Maybe I will feel like I have a direction to go in, a direction that means something and creates something and gives something back to me and to the universe.

Days like today are hard, but hopefully they will be in the minority. Days like today I just have to be gentle with myself, remember why I did this, remember how unhappy I was, how I used to fill up my days trying to get them out of the way as quickly as possible because I hated my life, because I was afraid of stopping, because I was told I was a good girl.

Days like today are hard, but nothing that’s worth doing is ever easy.

It’s ok to be me

26 Saturday Nov 2011

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This post is partly inspired by this video by a lovely friend Jack and partly to do with some realisations I’ve had particularly over the last week.

It’s ok to be me. Just me. Only I can truly be me and I have a responsibility to the world (but more importantly to myself) to be as fully me as possible.

It’s ok for me to be on this journey. Yes, it might be similar to a lot of others, but it is mine and mine alone. I am not exactly the same as any other person. I will never have the all of the exact same thoughts, opinions, beliefs, values, assumptions, experiences as another person. These are what make me me and you you.

It’s ok for me to be discovering who me is. It’s ok to not really know who I am but the acknowledgement of that is enough to point me on the right path. It’s ok to make mistakes along the way to discovering who I am. It’s ok to take from others things that nourish me and leave the things that don’t.

It’s ok to say no to people. This in particular is the thing that has really resonated to me this week. It’s ok to start distancing myself from people who reinforce behaviours in me that are not who I am anymore, behaviours that are destructive and that hold me back. Part of this journey for me will be meeting new people and letting some people from my old life go; I’m a sad that I will be closing the door on those people but I am excited about the whole new door(s) that will be opened to me.

I have done a lot of self-sacrificing in my life. I’ve done things for approval, for acceptance, because I felt like I had to, because I wanted to avoid conflict, because I didn’t think I was important enough to say no that doesn’t make me feel good, or beautiful, or valued, because I didn’t know what being used looked like, felt like. I’m starting to see now; I’m starting to accept that I don’t have to say yes to things just because someone asked me to. I don’t have to say yes to person X just because I said yes to doing the same thing for person Y. I am not obligated to do anything for anyone except myself.

There are a lot of really awesome things that make me who I am and I need to start nurturing those things. I need to take better care of myself and expend less energy on taking care of others; particularly those others who can’t/won’t/don’t expend any energy taking care of me.

It’s ok to say I am important and I want you to make me a priority. I will not be shared; I will not be second best; I will not accept being a back up plan. If that means I lose touch with some people then I guess that just means I have more room in my life for new people to come in.

If this sounds selfish then maybe you need to have a look at yourself too. I am the only person who has to live with myself for the rest of my life and I need to start making conscious, nurturing decisions that make me happy.

There are a lot of things that needed to change in my life and slowly but surely they are changing. I like who I am becoming. I like feeling valued and feeling important but more than that I like feeling those things for being ME, not some mask I was wearing, or a role I was playing. Fitting in with other people is great, but fitting in with yourself, truly, honestly loving who you are and the unique contribution you make to the world feels so much better.