I’ve been doing a lot of thinking today (and recently) about relationships. I am coming to the time in my life were a lot of people around me are in long term, stable relationships and many of them are starting families. Even the media seems to be obsessed with sex and coupling and babies and happily ever afters.
I haven’t been in a serious relationship for a long time, since about June in 2009. The relationships I’ve had since then have been short-lived, casual, most of them fairly meaningless except one.
That one relationship was a turning point in my life for many reasons. I thought I had found The One and I was relieved because I had started to think I would never find love, that I was too picky or too hard to love or just didn’t deserve it or any number of other crappy reasons. That relationship was only a few months long but it was one of the most intense experiences of my life. It opened up my eyes to just how unhappy I was with my life in so many ways – it was the catalyst for the changes I’ve made to my life (and to starting this blog). It was also one of the most difficult relationships I’ve had, it was tumultuous, emotional and it ended very abruptly.
For weeks after it ended I thought there would be a reunion, that it was just bad timing and that we were meant to be together but recently I’ve realised that I wasn’t happy in that relationship either.
What I am starting to question is: do I even want to have a relationship? I mean sure regular sex with someone you actually like is really super, but is it really necessary? Do we need another person to make us happy? Is there anything wrong with choosing to remain single? With choosing to live life as an individual, surrounded by people who love them, but none who are in love with them? Since I’ve been making these changes I’ve been settling in to the idea that I don’t want a relationship right now, and who knows, maybe ever. Now that’s not to say that if someone came along who blew me away and who I really had a strong, mature, stable, adult connection with I would push them away, more that I think I want to stop looking.
Which sort of brings me to something else that I have been thinking about recently: kids. I always thought I would be a mum, that I would grow up to have a good job, a white picket fence, a mortgage, a partner and 2.4 kids. The only thing is that as I’ve gotten older I’ve started to think that this is less and less likely (particularly in light of the recent not wanting a relationship phase). Now some of you would say ‘why not have a baby on your own?’ and I would say ‘that’s a totally valid choice, but while I have a lot of respect for people who choose to have babies without partners it’s really not something I would choose for myself.’
So that leaves me feeling like I might end up that crazy spinster aunt who lives in a house filled with cats (except there wouldn’t be any cats because I’m allergic). And you know what? I think I might even be happy with that. I would write crazy spinster poetry, and make crazy spinster art and be happy in my own crazy spinster world surrounded by my beautiful friends.
I look around me at all the happy couples and think maybe that would be nice, but I also think I’m pretty happy right now just the way things are. So I am not going to actively look for love, I am going to spend some time thinking about me, about being the best me I can be, about bringing new amazing arty types into my life to fill me with inspiration and if a relationship falls out of that process then awesome but if not I won’t be disappointed, because I am not defined by my ability to be a couple, I am defined by my ability to be me.
No man is an island but certainly not every man is only one half of a whole.