Is there such a thing as post-travel blues? Because I’m pretty sure I have them. I’ve been back for exactly a week now and I still feel pretty lost and untethered. My trip was, at least in part, a celebration of the end of my second degree; a first step towards a new phase in my life. But that phase is still in germination and the reality is that I don’t really know what I’m doing.
I said in a previous post that I was going to focus on performance for the next little while, and I still am, but I’m feeling really poor after all the money I spent on the trip. Part of me wants to wait until I have a more stable income, or at least, an income, before booking in things like performance classes. That being said I have registered for an improv workshop which is part of the Melbourne Fringe Festival. I’ve also been in touch with a couple of bands looking for bassists but no bites yet.
On the income front, I came back from my trip to the promise of recruitment work with an agency, but it turned out to be much more casual than I had anticipated. That meant that the last two days I haven’t worked. Pros: I slept in. Cons: I didn’t earn any money, and in fact spent a bunch. I spent some time today applying for writing jobs, content producers and copywriters and that sort of thing. I think I’ll probably have difficulty getting one of these initially as I don’t have much in the way of professional experience, but hopefully my transferrable skills and personal writing experience will pique someone’s interest eventually. As long as I keep applying for things.
I’ve also decided to reactivate my online dating profile. Since Easter, so I guess nearly six months, I’ve put my online dating on hiatus because I felt like it wasn’t working for me. There are a lot of issues with online dating but these days it’s kind of hard to avoid if you’re in the market. While I was away I had zero holiday flings. I had quite a bit of flirtation, but it never amounted to anything. I’ve never really been one for holiday romances anyway, maybe I’m no good at picking up the signals, but also it seems like such a short term gain I’m not sure I would have bothered even if the situation had presented itself.
The main issue I have with online dating, and dating in general is something I’m going to call “feminism anxiety”. I can’t help buying into the patriarchal bullshit which says that women like me are too difficult to be in relationships. I question whether there is a man out there who can deal with my hairy armpits and anger at the system. And if I’m really honest, I don’t want someone who’s going to deal with it, I want someone who embraces my righteous indignation and wants to help break down the system with me. I know I could never accept someone who wasn’t a feminist but I’m scared that means I’ll be alone. Where do boss feminists like Clementine Ford get boys? And are there any more?
So yeah, a couple of things are getting me down at the moment. I’m sure they’re all temporary situations, but even so, it’s a tough place to be in. It’s always nice to know that I’m not the only one who has that little voice in their head telling them ‘you’re doing it all wrong,’ and ‘you’ll never get a <insert here> by doing that!’ and ‘you’ll never be good enough’. I’m sure things will resolve themselves into more of a routine and that will make me feel a lot better, and in the mean time I’ll try to take care of myself and trust that it will come out alright in the end.