Since leaving my job, less than 2 weeks ago, I have become more and more unmotivated. I just do not want to do anything. I want to stay at home, stare into space and not see anyone.
I don’t know whether it’s exhaustion after driving myself so hard for so long in a job that sucked life out of me, or if it’s depression related – I mean I don’t feel sad, just tired and like I don’t want to get out of bed or if it’s just my body taking advantage of the rest time, I don’t know.
I feel guilty because I feel like I should be ‘doing something productive’ with my time; like I should be getting started with art projects or cleaning out my stuff or making things or seeing people or working out, but I just want to sit here and watch tv/movies/youtube.
When I do go out, I feel good, I feel sociable and productive, and particularly when I can actually drag myself to do some exercise I feel amazing – must be all the dolphins (endorphins). But it seems so much easier, so much more comfortable just to sit here inside and watch the world go past
I am reminded of the Hyperbole and a Half entitled Adventures in Depression, but I feel like that doesn’t fit because I don’t have any crushing sadness, there’s no grumpy part of me yelling abuse, there is just this vast chasm between me and moving. Even getting up to make a cup of tea sounds too hard.
On a somewhat related note, I got a call this morning from my old boss, we had made an arrangement that I would come in for a couple of days next week to help induct the person they’d hired to replace me, saying she didn’t need me to come in. I’m feeling quite weird about the whole thing, lots of mixed emotions. On the one hand I’m relieved that I don’t have to go in there and put the ‘appropriate for work’ mask on again, on another hand I feel like they don’t need me and that makes me feel a bit rejected, and on a third hand (apparently I have three hands today) I feel like they somehow don’t want me to taint the new person with all of my perceptions and experiences with the business. I know that some of that is fair enough on their part and I realise that I left them so it’s good that they are managing without me but I still feel a bit hurt.
Now I have very few plans for next week and this is a bit scary. I guess it feels a bit like I might just not get up at all. Maybe this is one of those times when I have to become so inactive that I become bored and that leads me back to being motivated, I don’t know but today everything is too hard and I just want to stay in bed.
As someone who has experienced depression, there doesn’t have to be crushing sadness for it to exist. Often what seems like little things can add up to something bigger. For example, my doctor and I decided recently that I’ve been going through a manic phase, not because I’d been bouncing off the walls (I hadn’t), but because I’d started spending money on things I didn’t really need, was having trouble focusing, and sometimes couldn’t sleep. I haven’t had a depression for a while, but a big part of the illness was my inability to get up and drive myself to do the things I needed to (like go to school).
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