Have you ever wondered whether your cat has the same religious affiliations you do? Have you ever wondered whether cats believe in God? Or whether they have an concept of the afterlife? Well so have we! That’s why we’ve trawled through the relevant literature and found ten perfect questions that will allow you to ascertain whether you need to organise a conversion party for your cat.

Q1: When you walk out of a room, does your cat:
a) knock stuff over, then look really guilty;
b) knock stuff over, then look at you with disdain;
c) knock stuff over, then yowl melodically;
d) knock stuff over, then walk away.

Q2: After using the kitty litter, does your cat:
a) try to hide the poo in the litter;
b) just leaves that shit right in the open;
c) my cat uses the toilet, and it can flush;
d) my cat refuses to use the litter box.

Q3: Your cat will show you affection:
a) after you’ve dug it out of the bedclothes/couch;
b) whenever it feels like it, there’s no pattern;
c) after you’ve fed it, or it’s pissed on the carpet;
d) after it’s just viciously scratched your face/couch/child.

Atheist Cat – pic by Cheezburger

Q4: When meeting new people, your cat will:
a) show quite a lot of initial affection, but will then become reclusive;
b) blows hot and cold as it sees fit;
c) is generally affectionate, especially if the new person doesn’t like cats;
d) will be friendly enough to get close, and will then hiss, scratch and spit.

Q5: As a tribute, your cat will bring you:
a) a bird;
b) a lizard;
c) a mouse;
d) a severed digit.

Q6: When looking for a place to nap, your cat prefers:
a) your feet;
b) your keyboard;
c) on top of the curtains/blinds;
d) on me somewhere, this often involves claws.

Q7: If you catch your cat cleaning it’s own ass, it will:
a) stop immediately and pretend it didn’t happen;
b) continue cleaning, it doesn’t care;
c) get up, move to another room, then resume cleaning;
d) get up and start licking your face.

Q8: Your cat’s favourite toy is:
a) a piece of string/wool/shoelaces;
b) the mouse on a string;
c) the scratching post;
d) your favourite knitted top.

Q9: Where did you get your cat:
a) from my elderly relative;
b) I got it in the divorce/when my last relationship broke up;
c) I got it from an animal rescue place/shelter;
d) the cat chose me, I don’t know who it belongs to, but it won’t leave.

Q10: When taking photos of your cat with your phone, your cat will:
a) refuse to make eye contact, pretending to be coy;
b) pose with it’s genitals on display;
c) occasionally lick the lens, or act disinterested;
d) try to bat the phone out of your hand/doesn’t appear to show up on camera.

The Results

Mostly As: Your cat is Catholic! With that much guilt and ceremony it couldn’t be anything else. It’s favourite things would definitely include incense, gold leaf, indecipherable manuscripts, and monetary tributes. Can also have a tendency to rebel, so keep an eye on them.

Mostly Bs: Your cat is an Atheist! A curious mixture of good-natured and selfish, this cat knows how it should behave, but sometimes doesn’t because, well, what are the repercussions? I mean really, all they have is the now, so y’know, YOLO.

Mostly Cs: Your cat is Anglican! While less superstitious than the Catholic cat, this cat still has some strong beliefs and will always try to stand on proper polite behaviour. These guys are pretty low maintenance and will usually behave themselves.

Mostly Ds: I’m pretty sure your cat is possessed. Either that, or it’s the embodiment of evil itself. Or it’s just a cat. Who knows right?

Disclaimer: This quiz was written based on my completely negligible research. It’s entirely possible your cat might be neither a Christian nor an Atheist, but I’m not qualified to diagnose that. Further analysis of the cat’s behaviour should be undertaken by an expert. 

This quiz was in response to day twelve of the Writing101 course, inspired by an overheard conversation.