There are a lot of things that I’m trying to work on with myself at the moment. I’ve had a pretty difficult time over the last few months and I feel like finally I’m getting back on track. I’m not there yet, and I know there is more work that needs to be done, but I’m feeling hopeful.
The thing I’m struggling with most is actually being present in the moment. I spend so much time thinking of the past or of the future. Yesterday I had high tea in the country with my beautiful partner and it was so good. I was enjoying being there with him and I wanted to really savour it, but I felt myself being pulled away from the delicious food and amazing company by pressure to be interesting.
I don’t know whether that’s the same thing, but it still felt intrusive.
I want to be better at sitting with what’s happening right now. I have a strong imagination, I’ve been feeding it to develop my writing, and now I worry that I use it to tell myself stories; that the past was more interesting, or the future will be more interesting.
I’m not good at sitting quietly and enjoying what’s happening. It feels like maybe I’m missing out on the moments that matter because I’m worrying about the moments next week.
On the other hand, perhaps the fact that I’m catching myself doing it is a sign that I’m getting better at holding onto the present. I’ve been doing a meditation practice since the start of the year and I think that it’s really helping. Taking time, every day, to sit with myself and pay attention to what’s happening in my mind, to acknowledge it and gently try to calm it.
For now, I’m telling myself that I’m doing a good job of looking after myself, I’m taking small steps, and learning to be patient with my progress. If I say it over and over to myself, one day it will be true.