I’ve been having a somewhat difficult week. Nothing has happened to make it tough specifically, more a lingering, nagging feeling that something’s not right.
I was thinking about this riding my bike home from work last night. The feeling I’ve been having this week is most easily summed up by the phrase “Not Enough”.
- Not thin enough
- Not smart enough
- Not fit enough
- Not kind enough
- Not tough enough
- Not pretty enough*
- Not likable enough
- Not productive enough
- Not patient enough
A subset of these can all be prefixed with “Not Good Enough:”
- At my job
- At being a friend
- At being a writer
- At Fringe Shows
- At playing bass
- At singing
- At taking care of myself
- At taking care of others
…I could go on.
Now I’ve named the feeling, it’s a little better. I know that I’m beating myself up using completely unrealistic standards. That’s one of my go to though patterns.
It’s possible that I’ve been stressed from work, or from some other thing, and I’m projecting this stuff onto the feelings of discomfort. Knowing myself a little bit now, I’m getting overwhelmed by trying to do everything and then getting really down when I can’t do everything I had wanted to do.
It’s hard retraining my brain. Especially when something external taps into underlying feelings about myself.
Last weekend I went to a Meetup group for creatives to meet and encourage each other to move past our blocks and self-sabotage behaviours. My initial thought was it would be hippy dippy bullshit, but I went along and tried to keep an open mind.
The organiser was very careful to create a safe space for people to share their experiences and the other members were cool and diverse. I’m keen to see what comes out of it, even if it’s just a new group of people to hang out with.
I’m nearly finished my fourth round of edits on a choose your own adventure novel which I may self-publish as an ebook, or potentially online as a free story using twine. I need to do some more research before I commit.
But back to the topic. Now I’ve discovered the unacknowledged self-talk which has been stressing me out this week, I hope to have a refreshing and moderately productive weekend and start next week knowing I am enough, I’m doing a good job and everything will be okay.
*PS: I apologise for anyone who now has this song in their heads.